I’m about to turn 25. This Friday, January 24th, 2014, I will have turned a quarter century old. That’s a mind blowing factoid when you really think about it. In just a few days, I will have been alive for 25 years despite there being a litany of times I probably could’ve died. At least one of those bar nights, where I ingested roughly my body weight in crappy beer and shitty liquor, should’ve ended things. Speeding through the streets of Lubbock while “Kickstart My Heart” ripped through the eardrums of me and my passengers probably should’ve landed me in jail at the very least. However, I’m proud (now mostly impressed) by my ability to stay alive thus far in life without completely screwing myself one way or the other. I suppose you could say that I’ve learned a few things, been a few places, and had some key life experiences along the way that have helped shape who I am today. Littered through these life moments have been observations I’ve made on the world around me. Among these observations are numerous things that have struck me as things that everyone needs to stop doing this instant. I mean it. Cut the following shit out.
Staying in front of the bar when you already have a drink.
There are few things I find more inconsiderate or selfish than posting up at a bar once you’ve already gotten (and paid for) your drink. I see most fellow men do this while trying to woo some member of the opposite sex. What I’d like to say is “Hey bud, I’m sure this girl, who is not even remotely interested in touching your privates later, would love to hear more about your college days at some other location here. Thanks.” I don’t say this because I’m polite and usually not in the mood to regulate some drunk idiot at the bar. So if you’re the drunken idiot who keeps posting up at the bar and you’re reading this. Stop it, asshole. This is a college kid move. Order your drink. Move your ass.
God damn you people. This is another huge pet peeve for me. I assume most people I associate with have some form of college degree, which is pretty much true. However, if you were to read some of the text messages I get, you would have no choice but to assume I’m only friends with 6th graders. Misusing “you’re and your” makes me cringe. I get nauseated when someone uses “to” when they really mean “too” and don’t even talk to me again if you can’t get “there,” “they’re” and “their” straightened out. Also, in addition to sickly grammar use, you should be publically shamed if you continually and voluntarily use “u” instead of “you.” We’re all budding adults and most of us received a four-year education. There is no reason we should still be texting like we haven’t hit puberty yet.
Getting shitfaced for anything.
This Friday, my birthday, I will scream YOLO from the rooftops, sing every 80s song I know, demonstrate that I really do know all the words to “Without Me” by Eminem, probably get into an argument with my best friend, and drink 25 years’ worth of alcohol. I can do this because it’s my birthday and that’s acceptable. If you don’t think so, well then you aren’t invited. Your birthday, among other days, is one of the totally acceptable times to get “forget your own name” drunk. What is not an acceptable time to get shitty is when you’re meeting your significant other’s group of friends for the first time. I saw this happen just last weekend. A buddy of mine brought a new girl around and she proceeded to drink like she was at a damn formal. This is a socially horrific idea because everyone will do what we did, which was make fun of her relentlessly all night. I need to remember to at least thank drunken girl for a night of entertainment and some quality Snapchats. Be that as it may, there really isn’t a reason to get absolutely blacked every weekend now. You’re growing up. Black out on your birthday like an adult. You had four years to act like a complete jackass and now it’s over. It sucks but welcome to postgrad. If this is the first time you’ve heard this news, cut your shit out.
Sucking at social media.
How in God’s name have so many of my friends on social media not figured out that they are the ones that everyone else hates? The hashtaggers, the CrossFitters, the people who feel compelled to share every meal with the internet, the saints who post biblical quotes, the philosophers who post unoriginal and inane quotes, the politically charged Facebook pundits, the people who advertise to the world that they attended a gym that day, and the passive aggressive status updates are all in my various feeds and should all be banned from the internet. Some of the things that come up (like a new mother breastfeeding her child) completely baffle me, and I sit and stew and wonder how these people could possibly consider sharing any of this kind of information with the entire population. At some point you have to realize that not one person gives two shits about the fact you’re eating at Chili’s. Unless, you’re getting Honey Chipotle Chicken Crispers, in which case, I’ll meet you there.
What may be misconstrued as a list of my pet peeves is actually a brief rundown of some observations I’ve made over the past (almost) 25 years. I sincerely hope that none of what I’ve said is a wakeup call to anyone, but if it is….cut the shit.