I’m really sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but you’ll never be an athlete. It hurts, I know, to come to the realization that you’ll never be on SportsCenter for hitting a home run or making a game winning shot. You’re just a normal person, a basic bitch. But, there is another way for us to have some sports fame, too. While an athletic feat from a normal person will rarely show up on a sports show or a viral video (sorry again, your bases clearing softball double last week is something no one cares to see), a big time sports fuck up can give you 15 seconds of embarrassing fame. Although, if your embarrassing sports fame lasts any longer than 15 seconds, you’ve really shit the bed. Here are a couple ways that you can really shame yourself at a sports event and maybe make it big.
1. A Terrible First Pitch
Throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game is quite an honor, no matter what the game or what the reason you are doing it. Unless you are a decorated veteran, rich person, celebrity, or former player, you’re likely not throwing one out at an MLB game, but they’ll let almost anyone do it in the minors. The sentimental ones are nice, but it’s the absolutely horrific ones that go down in infamy. No better way to get on the local news than drilling the ball girl with a first pitch, or sending a dying quail towards the 3rd base line instead of the plate.
2. Getting Hit In The Face
See above. Good God Almighty. And that could be you. Nothing is more embarrassing than being that waste that’s paying more attention to their phone rather than the game they paid money to see and paying for it. It’s funnier in the NBA, because while an errant pass to the dome may hurt and mess your day up, it’s not going to lead to permanent damage like a piss rod off the bat of Miguel Cabrera would. No one likes to see anyone get hit with a liner, but people do like to see others fail at catching a foul fly ball and have it careen off them into someone else. As long as trying to catch that fly ball doesn’t cause a lynch mob to run you out of Chicago.
3. Butchering the National Anthem
Again, they aren’t letting you sing at Wrigley anytime soon, but minor league sports will take almost anyone at some point. While the stage may not be the biggest, with today’s technology, if you show off some terrible pipes while honoring America, you better believe that shit will at least make the rounds on Twitter. No one remembers the D-League game they went to where the Anthem singer was pretty decent, but they sure as hell remembered the game where the singer sounded like Fran Drescher after a botched tonsillectomy.
4. Being the Instigator Fan
While the first three are lovable mess-ups where you feel bad for the person, if you really want to be a miserable asshole and have no self-respect, start some shit with the players. Throw a hot dog, a bottle, anything to take it up a notch. If you’re the type of person who would even consider doing this, you’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted: notoriety, criminal charges, and an ass beating from a professional athlete who didn’t look as big from 30 ft. away. You may never get to Malace in the Palace-level shame fame, but you’ll definitely make the 10 p.m. news as the worst sports fan in your city.
What’s beautiful about America is we celebrate our failures just as much as our successes. Whether you go to a sports event hoping to see someone make a damn fool of themselves, or you dream to be that person, with sports there’s always that wonderful chance. .
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