If your tune game isn’t on point, you’ve already lost the battle. Follow these recommendations to help get you through common real world scenarios.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise. We all know you’ve got a problem with James over in sales, and you might catch a case if he keeps poaching your sugar-free Red Bulls from the fridge. You have to be prepared to send a message, because if you let James slide, you’ll have half of the office stealing your shit. Respect is earned. I recommend anything off of T.I.’s Urban Legend album. “You Don’t Know Me” is a personal favorite, but there’s plenty of gold on there to choose from. It’s not a game, James.
The only way to handle stop-and-go traffic is to channel a force angrier than you and blare it through the factory speakers in your 2003 Tahoe. Make no mistake, this is about as aggressive as it gets. Pantera is the only way to go. Phil Anselmo has resting dude bitch face, and even an unscheduled lane closure can’t make you angrier than him. Be prepared for people to ask if everything’s okay once you finally make it to the office. It’s literally impossible to blare “5 Minutes Alone” and look like a stable person. You’re going to have that look on your face that says, “I have a cold, my house flooded, and my landlord won’t return my call.” RIP Dimebag.
3. Passed Over
For purposes of this hypothetical, let’s pretend that clown in the cubicle next to you got promoted instead of you. That would never happen, I’m sure, but let’s just pretend for a minute. You’re pissed. You feel betrayed by the very system you’ve bought into for so many years. You worked Christmas Eve AND New Year’s Eve, and this is how they repay you? You’ve only taken, like, two or three half days. You can’t stand for this. It’s very important to have some Rage ready to go for moments like this. Forget the fact that you’re a Romney voter who is basically part of the machine being raged against. Nothing will prepare you for a showdown with corporate quite like Zack de la Rocha dropping serious radical left-wing knowledge. I recommend “Know Your Enemy” from their debut album, but honestly, any will do.
This is the one you’ve waited for. You got promoted (#blessed). Finally, someone noticed that you’re the only one in the office who gives a damn. You’re the man now, dog. It’s time to let loose a little bit. Go buy some Gentleman’s Jack. Maybe pop champagne like you won a champ-ion-ship game. There’s no right or wrong way to do it, but you definitely need to flip the switch and act like you’re moving up in the world. You need to crack the sunroof on that new three series you just copped so the world knows money is not, in fact, a thing. Any turn of the century Cash Money will do, but late ’90s Bad Boy Records is the gold standard..