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4 Innocent Things Girls Do That Terrify Guys

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Girls, I’m a big fan of your gender. That’s why I write about you so much. There are certain things you do, though, that either you don’t realize you’re doing or you don’t realize that we realize what you’re doing. You may think these things are harmless and innocent, but they can also be red flags. We pay attention a lot more than you think.

1. Using “We” When Talking About The Future

Some guys will act like any discussion of kids and family from a girl is an issue. That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. One of the best ways to get to know someone–and especially figure out if he or she is someone you want to be with–is to gain a deep understanding of his or her personal goals. Personally, I don’t think people talk enough about what they want out of life. Where I’ve seen many girls go astray, though, completely accidentally, is when they start playing fast and loose with pronouns. It’s almost always by accident, but she’ll see pictures of an awesome house and say something along the lines of, “Oh, my God, we could totally live in a place like that.” Sure, some girls do it on purpose as a subtle form of inception, but that’s not exactly “innocent,” is it? I’m talking about the casual version of it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to plan out a life with someone–just make sure that someone isn’t a dude you’ve only been seeing for a couple months before you start assaulting him with tacit assumptions.

2. Girls’ Nights

You girls love to gossip. Trust me, I wouldn’t propagate a stereotype unless I knew it to be true. I’ve spent enough time around groups of girls to know how you operate. Hell, I’ve intentionally gone behind enemy lines and been the only guy in a group of girls on innumerable occasions. Most guys would shy away from that, but I thrived in it. Female group psychology fascinates me. But here’s the thing. Guys might be dumb, but we’re not stupid. We know how you talk about anything and everything. The typical fear you hear about is that we worry girls are going to talk about our penis size. I think that’s the least of our concerns. Unless you’re working with a gummy worm in your trousers, it’s not that big (pun intended) of a deal. We do worry about our girlfriends talking about their hopes and dreams, along with their concerns and frustrations, to their friends. We don’t like the idea that you all get together like a group of emotional Bond villains to conspiratorially plot against us. Girls will give their friends advice on how to engineer a relationship, how to bump it to the next level, how to deal with guy friends, and sometimes they’ll even talk about domesticating us. We know what you’re up to, ladies. Cut it out.

3. Inviting Us To Weddings

I know, I know. You’re going to a wedding and you need a date. Obviously you’re going to take the fella you’re seeing, but every invitation sets off alarm bells in a guy’s mind.

“What’s her motive? Why does she want me at this? Am I just arm candy or does she want to see how I behave in a formal situation? Is she worried that I won’t look good in a suit? How well does she know the bride? Are her parents going? Is this wedding real, or is this all a sham to get me there, throw me up on the altar, and get me to say ‘I do’ before my brain realizes what’s happening?

“What’s that honey? Yeah, the floral dress looks great. Oh it’s horrible? Yeah, no, whatever you think is best.”

4. Everything About Pinterest

Look, I get Pinterest. It’s fantasy football for women. You get to take all of the knowledge you’ve amassed about a mostly useless thing (sports versus cooking, fashion, crafts) and curate it in your own personal space like you’re some sort of expert. Guys pour over stats, injury reports, and offensive schemes and pretend like they’re a hybrid GM/coach. Girls find cute outfits, recipes that they’ll fail at, and little knickknacks to create. It’s all relatively innocent. And it’s fucking terrifying at times. We see what you’re doing, and it looks like you’re planning something devious. We think your Pinterest is this master plan of how you are going to domesticate our relationship. So enjoy pinning things, but don’t share too much of it with your boyfriend too early, because it will immediately remind him of his mother. And his mother is married and has children.

All I’m saying is take it slow with us. We’re not opposed to going to the deep, emotional places you want to take us to. Most of us would like to find true love and settle down and create small human beings with you who vaguely resemble us, but also destroy our personal lives.

Just chill out and enjoy your twenties with us first, okay?

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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