I like to think I’m pretty well versed when it comes to the world of dating as a 6 foot female. In the eighth grade, I had an exclusive AIM boyfriend who was the tallest boy in my class of 42 prepubescent munchkins. Things lasted roughly a week before going south, I think mainly because I was too scared to look him in the eye in the hallways, but my affinity for skyscraper men lived on. Pickings were slim and all the good ones thought I was needy for demanding hour-long phone calls four separate times during the day, so sometimes I settled for hair height. My high school sweetheart was shorter than I was when I stood up tall, but he had this awesome, crazy curly hair that controversially tipped him over into the taller-than-me category. When college rolled around, I gravitated towards the lengthy frat guys who were probably the ones to put empty liquor bottle decorations above the cabinets in their kitchens. Now in the working world, I pray to God he’s as tall as he looks next to relevantly short friend on Tinder.
So, hopefully I’ve made myself out to sound credible. Or maybe I just ran you through a really terrible history of my pretty mediocre dating streak. Either way, the point is that these dates haven’t always been easy for us tall freaks. All you shorties out there may be jealous that we can turn a ceiling fan off with ease, but you’ve never had to experience any of the following bologna.
Your Dinner Bill Is Always Atrocious
It takes you and your giant significant other a little more than the average Joe to get fueled up and boozed up. Your metabolism is designed to burn through the carbolicious appetizer like a cigarette, leaving you to only crave more food. Your opening beer or glass of wine hits your body like a piece of belly button lint floating through the wind straight into the gut of Godzilla. It takes both of you (give or take one or two) a zillion drinks to get even the tiniest of buzzes. The two of you will be looking at a tab bigger than any monster you’re bound to one day give birth to every time you go out to eat. Lord help your mother when your two families come together for their first Thanksgiving meal, as she will have to prepare enough food to feed the entire state of Minnesota.
Cuddling Can Be Awkward
Trying to get all of the limbs in a tall people relationship into a comfortable position on the couch is like trying to cook long, raw pieces of spaghetti in a pot with a diameter significantly shorter than the noodles, all without them snapping in half. In order for the lady to comfortably spoon with her head in his chest so both can have an unobstructed view of the television, her legs must be dangling halfway off the couch’s armrest. When both parties decide simultaneously, “To the bedroom!” they’ll jump up with such sudden exuberance and pass out immediately, thanks to their terrible blood flow. And what happens when two towers come tumbling down simultaneously? Earthquakes, people. Earthquakes occur, and they ruin innocent people’s lives. I know this because I am a tall person who frequently falls and I passed out in science class every year in middle school.
Traveling Together Is Usually A Nightmare
Nothing tests your relationship quite like shoving your knees into your eyeballs next to each other as you attempt to sit comfortably on that eight hour flight to somewhere romantic. You’ll attempt to sit somewhat diagonally on the flight, inevitably invading your partner’s already limited space. Then, after landing, whichever lucky son of a bitch snagged the aisle seat will be able to stretch his or her long limbs out like a newborn giraffe trying to stand for the first time. The other, however, will be stuck in this incredibly uncomfortable hunched position under the overhead baggage, obnoxiously hitting the stewardess button with his or her tailbone. After getting off of the plane, you both will prance over to get a look at the spacious rental car you guys booked. Unsurprisingly, you screwed up your booking, and you’re now stuck with a compact car. But hey, at least you can squeeze into those adorable, designated, little spaces in the parking garages!
People Assume You Are Just Together Because You Physically Fit Together
It’s natural for a lady of height to be attracted to a big, burly man at first sight. It’s also natural for said big, burly man to not want to develop scoliosis from bending over so often to merely kiss his lady. While this initial attraction may spark the motivation for interaction, height means absolutely nothing when it comes romantic attraction. I once met a dude from Hawaii who was a 6 foot 6, blue eyed, and a perfectly tanned babe, but he also thought “terrible” was spelled “terrable.” Dating someone for the mere reason of one physical characteristic is a horrible relational decision. I speak for most tall folks when I say we would take a Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban lifelong marriage over a Kim Kardashian and That One Ridiculously Tall Basketball Player marriage anyday.