Hundreds of Internet articles dedicated to picking up women in places that are “off the beaten path” have been written over the years. Hell, I bet there have been a couple dozen posted just today. The point is, they all tend to focus on the same “unexpected” places. The grocery store, the library, and yoga classes are apparently great, “unexpected” places to pick up women, in spite of the fact that they’re referenced more often than Noam Chomsky in a paper written by a self-important undergrad who thinks he’s a lot smarter than he really is. I decided to break the mold and write about a few places to pick up women that you REALLY wouldn’t expect. I think I was successful.
1. Powerlifting Or Bodybuilding Competitions
Have you ever dated a really dainty lady and thought, “I think I’d prefer a girl who actively terrifies me and could probably snap my neck?” I bet you have. Anyway, strength-related competitions are perfect for picking up women, because even though there are all kinds of guys who are in impossibly better shape than you, they’re all into small girls who they can impress with their muscles. This leaves all of the female competitors wide open. Here’s your angle: you go in playing the same card you’ve seen women play for years, the “I’m ready to be a housewife” angle. You basically act all giggly around her and give off some not-so-subtle hints that you’re looking for a life in which you stay home all day cooking, cleaning, and making dozens of protein shakes while she brings home the bacon. Also hint that you’re there to love her and let her throw you around the bedroom whenever she feels like it. Have you ever been fucked by a woman who fucks like a man? It’s–well, it’s a thing.
2. Fighting The Huns With You
You have to imagine Shang felt pretty damn pleased with himself when he made it out of that invasion with the title “Savior of China,” the appreciation of the emperor, and the love of his life, who he TOTALLY didn’t start having feelings for until AFTER he found out she was a woman. You got that, buddy? After! Anyway, I’ll grant that it could be a little tougher nowadays, with modern technology and the whole lack of Huns thing. However, I think it would be fair to substitute any large group of angry, semi-organized, villainous thugs trying to overwhelm your group of trained men for Huns. Basically, what I’m saying is that you should totally join the Army to find the woman of your dreams. And no, don’t mess around with the Army chicks who everyone already knows are women. They’re super tough, and every single other bro in your unit will angle for them anyway. No, you should bank on that one in a million lady who pretends to be a man so she can fight on the front lines. What’s the line of the Mulan song again? “A Girl Worth Getting Sent On A Sixth Tour To Afghanistan For”? Pretty sure that’s how it goes.
3. At Comic-Con
Guys, haven’t you heard? It’s cool to be a nerd now! So, how are you going to find that perfect girl who enjoys getting shitfaced and watching the “Star Wars Holiday Special” with you? At Comic-Con, of course. Granted, you have to be kind of selective. First, you’ll have to weed out the women who are just paid to get dressed up in super empowering costumes–they all have fitness instructor boyfriends back home. Then you have to figure out which girls are super into anime and cut them from the list, because anime is weird and foreign. You might be a nerd, but you’re an AMERICAN nerd, dammit! Actually, just sort of copy and paste that to all the girls who like geeky stuff that you’re not into–so card gamers, Dungeons and Dragons warriors, World of Warcraft addicts, and furries. Basically, you just want to go for that one girl who’s super hot, can adequately quote “Star Wars,” and is also going through a shitty breakup with her normal boyfriend back home. Sure, you’ll be competing with tens of thousands of pasty white dudes for, like, three women, but they’re nerds, man. You can take ‘em.
4. Your Family Reunion
I know, I know. You’re a respectable guy, and this isn’t Arkansas, but hear me out. First cousins might be icky and weird, but second and third cousins, or first-removed aunts or whatever? Why shouldn’t they be fair game? I mean, you’ve never met her before in your life, so how simple would it have been for you to meet her in a bar, take her to the pipeshack, and regret it the next morning for totally non incest-related reasons? Think about it. Plus, it’s not like you’re even worried about having Joffrey babies, because both of you are in your 20s and you grew up rolling boner sleeves onto bananas. You’ve got your shit together. Just don’t let Uncle Dave find out–otherwise, you’re never getting invited to fry a whole turkey in his backyard ever again.