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38 Ways To Spot An Adult Douchebag

efdouche

 

  1. You have a “#fitspo” Instagram.
  2. You own a Hawaiian shirt that cost more than $30 dollars.
  3. You always find yourself wearing sunglasses regardless of the occasion, season, weather, or time of night.
  4. You know who Timmy Dumples is.
  5. Scottsdale sounds like your wet dream.
  6. You have called your ex-girlfriend and left her blackout “I’m sorry” voicemails.
  7. In desperate times you have used cocaine as a study aid in the business school library.
  8. You are an “Archer” enthusiast.
  9. You frequently host “late night” at your apartment.
  10. You own a suit that cost you more than half your last paycheck.
  11. Your BMW is a lease.
  12. You never go to the gym.
  13. You bum cigarettes all the time.
  14. More than two of your ex girlfriends have not only unfriended, but blocked you on all forms of social media.
  15. You’ve worn a bow tie to a football tailgate, but you didn’t go to an SEC school.
  16. You’re addicted to Tinder.
  17. You call it “Tindering.”
  18. Your drink of choice is a whiskey water with lime.
  19. You pronounce finance “fi-NANCE.”
  20. You asked for a Rolex for Christmas.
  21. You frequently draw attention to your Rolex.
  22. You work for a hedge fund.
  23. You say “Roll Tide” despite never attending the University of Alabama.
  24. In the summer your shorts have an inseam shorter than 7’.
  25. You love dubstep.
  26. You tell others to add you on LinkedIn rather than Facebook.
  27. You’ve insulted someone wearing Hollister at a bar.
  28. You’ve gone home with someone else’s date after a charity event.
  29. You own boat shoes, but you do not own a boat.
  30. You idolize Jordan Belfort and completely missed the message of “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
  31. You own a Gucci wallet.
  32. You’ve worn a linen suit to a formal event.
  33. You frequently brag about your law school aspirations.
  34. You have not yet begun studying for the LSAT.
  35. You do not know what “LSAT” stands for.
  36. You still discuss fraternity “tiers” despite graduating over a year ago.
  37. You hit your bong while wearing a Brooks Brothers button-down.
  38. You’ve purchased a lighter at 7/11 using a credit card.

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Lyla Garrity

After dumping her high school beau, Tim Riggins, Lyla transferred from Vanderbilt to the most expensive university in Texas and recently graduated only to conclude she is too pretty to spend the next four years slaving away in medical school. With a now worthless Biology degree she’ll be attending business school starting this fall. Her pastimes include cheerleading, brunching, and frequenting pretentious Dallas bars on the weekends.

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