Because it’s that time of the year where we reflect on how lucky we are to have certain people and material goods in our life (emphasis on the material goods) here is my list of what I’m thankful for this year.
I honestly do just go there for the wings.
The gift that keeps on giving, and in a range of sizes.
My Eskimo sisters
Past, present, and future–we’re all connected.
Never thought I would get into them but between those and Ambien, here we are.
That I Have The Willpower To Stop Eating If I Go Up A Size
It’s not because I’m vain. I just can’t afford a whole new wardrobe.
So I can at least pretend to be important.
That My Friends Work At Brands
So I can abuse their discount.
My Huge Rack
It’s the only thing I can use as leverage for, well, just about everything.
My Crappy Memory
So I don’t remember what I yelled at/slurred/said to you last weekend.
My Increasingly Disturbing Alcohol Tolerance
Now I can feel comfortable getting drunk in professional situations!
So I don’t have to wear heels. Heels suck.
My Resting Bitch Face
So it’s harder for people to approach and bother me.
Now you can effortlessly go into credit card debt.
It’s what’s for lunch. Every fucking miserable day.
The Guy In My Phone Listed As “Completely Worthless”
One year later, still going strong (after 3 a.m.).
My Fleeting Metabolism
A reminder that nothing is forever.
My Family’s Netflix, HBO GO, And Amazon Prime Accounts
You guys really do care!
My Lack Of Child
Huge shout out to the roller coaster of methods that prevented it.
Even Crazier Girls
Thanks for making me look somewhat sane.
This helps some overlook my crazy factor.
Thanks for just looking so damn good.
The only opinions I can trust.
In every pastel hue they sport.
Christian Bale As Moses
It’s a whole new old world that’s looking good.
Swag Bags And PR Samples
I need more friends in pharmaceuticals.
Loitering In Williams-Sonoma
Because I have ovaries but not a working full kitchen to myself.
If only it got me preferential treatment in Chinese restaurants.
The Concept Of “Dressing For The Job You Want”
Yes, I sport resort wear to the office.
Can we bring them back?
Pumpkins And Just Gourds In General
Trust me, they garner Instagram likes.
My Five-Year Plan
It’s basically “don’t gain weight.”
My sexy time outfit.
The most reliable man in my life.
The Winklevoss Twins
Pumpkin Spice Anything
Hey, I’m white.
That You Can Get Anything From The Taco Bell Lunch Menu All Day
Sometimes you need a quesadilla at 10 in the morning.
That I Will Be On My Family’s Cell Phone Plan
Until someone gets married or dies.