38 Things I’m Thankful For

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Because it’s that time of the year where we reflect on how lucky we are to have certain people and material goods in our life (emphasis on the material goods) here is my list of what I’m thankful for this year.

Hooters
I honestly do just go there for the wings.

Snapchat
The gift that keeps on giving, and in a range of sizes.

My Eskimo sisters
Past, present, and future–we’re all connected.

Scented Candles
Never thought I would get into them but between those and Ambien, here we are.

That I Have The Willpower To Stop Eating If I Go Up A Size
It’s not because I’m vain. I just can’t afford a whole new wardrobe.

Social Media
So I can at least pretend to be important.

That My Friends Work At Brands
So I can abuse their discount.

My Huge Rack
It’s the only thing I can use as leverage for, well, just about everything.

My Crappy Memory
So I don’t remember what I yelled at/slurred/said to you last weekend.

My Increasingly Disturbing Alcohol Tolerance
Now I can feel comfortable getting drunk in professional situations!

My Height
So I don’t have to wear heels. Heels suck.

My Resting Bitch Face
So it’s harder for people to approach and bother me.

Apple Pay
Now you can effortlessly go into credit card debt.

Lean Cuisine
It’s what’s for lunch. Every fucking miserable day.

The Guy In My Phone Listed As “Completely Worthless”
One year later, still going strong (after 3 a.m.).

My Fleeting Metabolism
A reminder that nothing is forever.

My Family’s Netflix, HBO GO, And Amazon Prime Accounts
You guys really do care!

My Lack Of Child
Huge shout out to the roller coaster of methods that prevented it.

Even Crazier Girls
Thanks for making me look somewhat sane.

Sundress Weather
This helps some overlook my crazy factor.

DILFs
Thanks for just looking so damn good.

Gay Men
The only opinions I can trust.

Bros
In every pastel hue they sport.

Christian Bale As Moses
It’s a whole new old world that’s looking good.

Swag Bags And PR Samples
I need more friends in pharmaceuticals.

Loitering In Williams-Sonoma
Because I have ovaries but not a working full kitchen to myself.

White Privilege
If only it got me preferential treatment in Chinese restaurants.

The Concept Of “Dressing For The Job You Want”
Yes, I sport resort wear to the office.

Opium Dens
Can we bring them back?

Cashmere Sweatpants
Self-explanatory.

Pumpkins And Just Gourds In General
Trust me, they garner Instagram likes.

My Five-Year Plan
It’s basically “don’t gain weight.”

Flannel Pajamas
My sexy time outfit.

Trader Joe’s
The most reliable man in my life.

The Winklevoss Twins
Call me!!!!

Pumpkin Spice Anything
Hey, I’m white.

That You Can Get Anything From The Taco Bell Lunch Menu All Day
Sometimes you need a quesadilla at 10 in the morning.

That I Will Be On My Family’s Cell Phone Plan
Until someone gets married or dies.

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