The British are coming, the British are coming! Prince William and Duchess Kate are coming to New York City! Aren’t you excited?
Nope. We threw off that tyrannical bullshit 238 years ago, and I’m pretty sure we stopped caring about the royals, like, 20 or so years before that. Or we should have. If you’re a New Yorker, you should be DOUBLY pissed off: extra traffic, closed off roads, more security to get into tonight’s matchup between the Cleveland Cavaliers and my beloved Brooklyn Nets. LeBron James won’t be the only pseudo-royal douchebag in Barclays Center tonight.
But seeing as I’m a hospitable guy, I think there are some things they should definitely not miss on their trip to the Big Apple. While they’re out of Buckingham Palace or whatever royal residence that someone else is paying for, they should definitely get out there and see what it’s like to be a New Yorker. William and Kate should definitely…
- Score some crack in Washington Square Park.
- Confuse the mariachi band that plays on the N Train by tipping them in British pounds.
- Get lost on the way to a “Daily Show” taping and end up at Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club.
- Forget the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, check out the ornaments hanging on our subways.
- Kneel down and shake hands with America’s first hobbit mayor, Mike Bloomberg.
- Watch the Knicks lose.
- Watch the Nets lose.
- Watch the Rangers lose.
- Get advance tickets to the Mets to watch them lose
- Try to pop off a ménage à trois with Derek Jeter (if unavailable, try David Wright, he always picks up his phone).
- Watch two homeless people bang each other in Central Park.
- Try and fail to get into a taping of “Saturday Night Live” (not even the queen herself has THAT kind of pull).
- Fall asleep on the subway and wind up in the Bronx.
- Wander around the Bronx for seven hours, aimlessly, trying to find their way back downtown.
- Eventually find the 6 Train and sigh in relief.
- Take a douchey picture of themselves walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, because #hipsters.
- Wait in line for three hours for Di Fara’s pizza because it’s FUCKING WORTH IT.
- Look at apartments in Williamsburg and Park Slope that even THEY can’t afford.
- Get laughed out of a bar for asking them to turn the “telly” to “the football match.”
- Get mugged by a Times Square Elmo.
- Tour our finest transit hubs, including LaGuardia airport, Penn Station, and Port Authority bus terminal.
- Get mugged again outside of Port Authority.
- Check out the Statue of Liberty, which will come to life in the presence of British royalty to flip them the bird.
- Have a very powerful and moving experience…after getting food poisoning from a hot dog cart.
- Go to South Street Seaport and watch our fine, hardworking longshoremen at work.
- Eat at Guy Fieri’s Times Square “restaurant.”
- Get treated for a seizure caused by Times Square’s bright, flashing lights.
- Make friends with a subway rat.
- Enjoy a performance of “Mamma Mia,” the show that’ll “have you dancing in the aisles,” says the Associated Press.
- Do some kind of viral bit with Jimmy Fallon about Pictionary or something.
- Bust their asses ice skating at Rockefeller Center.
- Shit their pants on the Toys “R” Us Times Square ferris wheel.
- Curse Taylor Swift’s name for lying to them in “Welcome To New York.”
- Listen to a cabbie curse them out. (“Yeah, they was Royal. Royal pains in my ass, am I right?”)
- Drunkenly sing “Empire State of Mind” at 3 a.m. while stumbling back to their hotel.
I do sincerely hope that William and Kate have a fantastic time in New York. Like the old saying goes, “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.”
And if they somehow fuck up my commute home, which they no doubt will, I would love to give them another old New York saying: “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, jerks.”.