1. Bagpipes playing on the procession out of the church.
Bagpipes ooze cash and are a completely unnecessary (yet baller as hell) addition to any ceremony.
2. Fireplaces all over the reception venue.
Winter wedding? You better have perfectly stoked fires in those stone fireplaces littering the clubhouse.
3. Choose soup over salad for the first course of the sit-down dinner.
Salads are for rabbits. Soup, though? Difficult to keep warm for your 1,000-person guest lists which means you’ll be shelling out dough for more man power.
4. Black tie. Duh.
Top hats and tails, baby.
5. Offer more than five liquor options at your open bar.
Scotch, bourbon, vodka, gin, rum, beer, red wine, white wine, champagne, repeat.
6. Ensure place card table looks like a list of Town & Country’s preppiest names.
If you aren’t shoulder to shoulder with Bitsy and Finn, are you even rubbing elbows with the elite?
7. Don’t allow the band to play any songs written after 1985.
Oldies only, specifically Motown. You don’t want people hitting the Quan on your special day.
8. Host the reception at a country club that doesn’t allow cell phone use.
Get a sign at the door and force everyone to obey it. If Zuckerberg did it, you know it’s for rich people.
9. The coat check has more fur than a hunting lodge.
Minks on minks on minks on minks, ladies.
10. Make sure the guest list is 25% people with Roman numerals after their names.
I’m talking IIs, IIIs, IVs, and even Vs if you’re killing it.
11. Martini bar next to the cigar bar.
Yes, there needs to be a dude rolling ‘gars. That shouldn’t come as a surprise.
12. “Is ‘Mr. Buffet’ Warren or Jimmy?”
I bet both cut a mean rug.
13. Oscar Style.
This isn’t a Memorial Day cookout. It’s a bougie wedding, aka there must be crab on top of the filets.
14. That being said, crab cake appetizers.
Crab cakes and football, that’s what Maryland does.
15. Bathroom attendants.
Every expensive wedding has dudes watching other dudes pee. It’s just how things work.
16. Paintings of presidents everywhere.
And I mean EVERYWHERE.
17. Shuttle everyone to the reception even though it’s less than 10 minutes away from the five-star hotel you booked.
Sure, they can walk or drive themselves. But why make them do that when you can just shell out for ’em?
18. Elaborate tents.
If your tent game is weak, you might as well just get divorced because you’re starting off on the wrong foot.
19. Have one friend doing coke in the bathroom.
20. Plush seating areas that go unused.
“Jesus, how many rooms does this venue have?” is a question that needs to be asked several times throughout the night.
21. Hand out pashminas to the female guests.
This needs to be on par with an “Oprah’s Favorite Things” episode.
22. “Do you think they invited (someone low key famous)?”
Always leave ’em wondering whether or not Jordan Spieth is going to walk in.
23. Require your guests to spend at least four figures when all is said and done.
Destination weddings, black tie, whatever forces your guests to break the bank for you.
24. Invite people you barely know.
“I don’t care that this plated dinner is $125 a head, I want everyone there, baby.”
25. “How much do you think they spent on the flowers?”
Flower Budget > Cost Of Honeymoon
26. More than one ice sculpture.
Swans, angels, initials. Just make sure to have a fuck ton.
27. Host the wedding on an island.
If ferry issues aren’t something you’re taking into consideration when creating the itinerary, reconsider the entire shindig.
28. Jazz ensemble during the dinner.
Keep it smooth, keep it classy, keep it expensive.
29. Seating chart has at least one person at every table that’s “had work done.”
Poor people don’t get plastic surgery. That’s just a fact.
30. Initials everywhere.
Monograms show you care, guys.
31. Have a cake that has more levels than the hotel.
I’m talking about needing to stand on a footstool in order to reach the top.
32. Seafood buffet.
Lobster, crab, and shrimp the size of my fist.
33. Hire security personnel to line the perimeter.
Park some secret service agents in the driving range to ensure no riff raff tries to sneak in the back way.
34. Leave in a car that’s older than attendees.
“Wait, is that a Model T?”
35. Ensure there’s a comma in the number of people invited.
Prince William’s wedding list has an entire Wikipedia page on the attendees. The game will never be the same..
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