35 Signs You’re Becoming A “Dad”

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I never thought this would happen to me so soon. I’ve only been out of college about as long as I was in college, and I’m starting to pick up “dad” mannerisms. Now when I say “dad,” I don’t mean literally a biological or adoptive father with a wife raising children. I mean dad-like behaviors that signify that you are aging and (possibly) maturing beyond your quarter life crisis. Becoming a “dad” happens to most guys between the ages of 25 and 30, so put on your reading glasses, sit in your recliner, and check out these 35 signs that you are becoming a dad.

  1. You use old man clichés, such as “Happy wife, happy life,” “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink,” “When pigs fly,” “Until the cows come home,” and “More troubles than Carter has pills.”
  2. You refer to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” as a “catchy tune.”
  3. You own pants or shorts with elastic waistbands to compensate for your fluctuating dad gut.
  4. Any advice you give segues into a nostalgic story.
  5. You listen to talk radio.
  6. You actually use your phone to call people.
  7. You begin your voicemails with a date and time stamp and drone on for a minute with the important information in the final few seconds.
  8. You use old slang like “stoked” and “da bomb” but you don’t keep up with new slang like “basic” and “on fleek.”
  9. Your best dance moves make you look like a pig trying to stand up in the middle of an ice rink.
  10. You prefer music from the 20s-80s over music from the late 90s-2010s.
  11. You can’t remember the names of your friends’ other friends so you refer to them by unoriginal or nonsense nicknames.
  12. You prefer a digital camera to your iPhone.
  13. “Casual attire” usually means a polo shirt and dad jeans.
  14. The sigh and hesitation before buying beer for 18-20 year olds.
  15. You have trouble understanding anyone who references a movie made after 2000.
  16. You brag about and show off simple do-it-yourself repairs and renovations such as installing a ceiling fan or putting in a new screen door.
  17. You watch reruns of “This Old House” to get ideas for renovations to do for your home.
  18. You discover popular television shows 2-3 years late.
  19. You wear pleated pants.
  20. If you live with a girlfriend or wife, you give her an allowance.
  21. You made yourself a budgeting spreadsheet and have offered to send the template to friends and girlfriends.
  22. “Oh, I can help you with that.”
  23. You keep your car pristine and explain to others why you do.
  24. You change your own oil to save $20, and you explain to anyone who will listen why synthetic oil is better.
  25. You tell college stories as if no one else has ever experienced what you have.
  26. Your off-brand to brand name purchase ratio is 90:10. Your reasoning? “They’re basically the same thing, the brand is just more expensive.”
  27. You still have not adjusted to modern political correctness.
  28. Even though you own a Mac you still prefer Microsoft Office.
  29. You refer to people of a certain political affiliation as “hippies” and “commies.”
  30. You mix vodka gatorades and call it the “hydration station.”
  31. You start drinking in moderation and you’ve actually taken care of a drunk friend.
  32. You’ve scolded someone like a child.
  33. You wear Hawaiian shirts on vacation.
  34. You’re overly serious about work.
  35. You’ve become surprisingly responsible.

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