34 Phrases You Never Want To Hear Your Boss Say

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Look, I get it. The whole “your boss is your nemesis” trope is old and played out. That’s true. By and large, bosses aren’t that bad. Sure, you’ll get a shitty one every now and then, but on the whole, bosses are pretty okay. However, there are certain things you just never want to hear your boss say, no matter how cool they are.

  1. “Close the door.”
  2. “I know you probably have plans on Saturday, but…”
  3. “I have a question about something you put on your résumé.”
  4. “You and [coworker you’ve been secretly hooking up with] sure seem to be spending a lot of time together.”
  5. “Happy Birthday! So are you having a party, or what?”
  6. “The department is about to go through a few changes.”
  7. “So I’ve been talking to some of your coworkers who sit around you.”
  8. “Last month’s numbers just came in.”
  9. “We have a representative from corporate coming down to talk about some new policies.”
  10. “Do you feel that you’re doing your best work right now?”
  11. “Rita’s being let go, so we’ll need you to take over some of her work. Just until we find a replacement.”
  12. “I’m gonna shadow you for a day just to see how you work.”
  13. “I wouldn’t get too comfortable.”
  14. “[Your boss’s boss] was asking about you.”
  15. “I heard you do a funny impression of me.”
  16. “How long did you spend putting this together?”
  17. “You know that we have the ability to monitor all of the IMs sent in the office, right?”
  18. “I’d like you to make a detailed list of your job responsibilities.”
  19. “I’ve been looking over the hours you’ve logged over the last month, and I’m noticing some discrepancies.”
  20. “Is there a particular reason you haven’t accepted my Facebook friend request?”
  21. “How familiar are you with Excel?”
  22. “You seem like you close out a browser window every time I walk over.”
  23. “I heard an interesting story about you.”
  24. “Did you catch the game the other day?” (the one that was broadcast during working hours)
  25. “Someone just did something in the bathroom.”
  26. “Let’s grab lunch today, there are some things we need to discuss.”
  27. “What are some shortcuts you use to make your job easier?”
  28. “Do you feel like you have enough to do?”
  29. “You’re in a great position, because the other employees know you’re my inside guy.”
  30. “How long is your commute exactly?”
  31. “I just got done talking to someone about you.”
  32. “Do you have any suggestions on how I could be a better boss?”
  33. “Just so you know, we’ve decided we want to start doing things a little differently.”
  34. “So I got an email from IT about your browsing history…”
Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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