30 Thoughts You Have While Working From Home

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30 Thoughts You Have While Working From Home

Being able to work at home on the regular is absolutely a millennial generations “thing.” Think about it — how many of your friends in the sixth grade had a dad who routinely worked from the comfort of his 8+ year-old college sweats on the couch while Home Improvement played in the background and he tap-tapped away on his blue iBook that had a handle? Yeah, pretty sure it was none.

Working from home can be the best. You can eat cold pizza at 10 a.m. using just a sheet of Bounty and your sternum as a plate, you can pour your first glass of Pinot Grigio at 3:30, you can work without putting on pants while watching Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron and audibly asking why it is such an under-appreciated movie. It’s the life! But having no one to answer to, no reason to iron your shirts, no reason to minimize certain websites when Lauren walks by because she’s the office snitch, can be a liberty that becomes way too easy to take advantage of. All of the sudden, your days start becoming eerily similar to Monday — Thursday of undergrad when you *magically* had “no class”. You’re binge-watching TV shows, not washing your hair, and then scrambling to bust out your assignments at 11 p.m. before they’re due.

Just because you work from home doesn’t mean you aren’t a master procrastinator. In fact, it becomes a helluva lot easier to procrastinate when you can stay in bed until 3 only getting up to pee and pull more leftovers out of the fridge. You’re absoultely making 18-year-old you proud right now while you pulled pad thai off of your old March of Dimes shirt. And I mean that with absolute sincerity.

“WTF…Did I set an alarm? Why did I do that?”

“Am I supposed to be in a group chat right now?”

“Will anyone notice if I just sign in and don’t say anything because I’m going to roll over and go back to sleep?”

“Fuck it, I”m going for it. If they call me out, I’ll say I was busy researching something I read on Gawker and didn’t want to be distracted.”

“Shit, it’s noon and I haven’t said anything for two-and-a-half hours…”

“I’ll just compliment Jacob’s tenacity. If I throw out any random word with four syllables it makes me sound like I was paying attention.”

“Should I shower today? Nah, I’m probably good. Not like I have to impress the Postmates guy.”

“When does Chinese food expire? They should put dates on the bottoms of the containers. That’d be helpful. I should trademark it!”

“Nah, I’m just going to trademark the app to find a dude’s friends on Tinder. Desperate, single, girls will pay for anything that might make them able to live out their rom-com fantasies. Gonna be RICH.”

“Okay, I should actually get some work done.”

“Dude, did I start this pitch when I was drunk? I used “wear” when I should have used “where.” I really need to edit myself.”

“I should get an assistant.”

“Will the company pay for it? Could we call it an internship? Would that be passable?”

“Can I pay an assistant in questionable Chinese food?”

“Goddammit. I can’t work in silence. The sounds of people walking and talking about their actual office drama outside is really damn distracting.”

“God, why was I signed into Hulu? That’s stupid.”

“I wonder what’s new on Netflix…”

“Dammit nothing. I wonder if I still have Caroline’s HBO Go password…I DO. SCORE.”

“Why yes, Vanderpump Rules. I would LOVE to see what bullshit you’ve been up to.”

“I should totally just bartend a couple of nights a week. I’m not too busy.”

“These people barely look like they could read a Dr. Seuss book. I could totally be a part-time bartender. KA-CHING.”

“Wait, then I’d have to come home at 3 and be up in time to sign into group chat? No thanks. Gonna have to pass.”

“Okay okay okay. Back to actual work. I can focus. I’ve got this. I don’t need to buy Adderall from Meagan again.”

“I already forgot if I had any assignments due.”

“Thanks for the reminder, KEVIN. God he’s such a dick. I mean, I only ACTUALLY see him once a month but his tone over Gmail is just really aggressive, and I’m not here for that.”

“Shit, this one is due tonight? I haven’t even started it.”

“Ugh, how did I pull all nighters in college to get nine things done in six hours? Oh right, that’s how I met Meagan in the first place.”

“Okay I’ll at least get half of it done.”

“Would wine help? Wait…is it late enough to start drinking?”

“Meh, 3:30. That’s when kids get out of school, so it’s probably fine.”

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