30 Thoughts You Have When You Wake Up Wildly Hungover

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30 Thoughts You Have When You Wake Up Wildly Hungover

Just behind taxes, student loan payments, and any email that opens with, “I had some thoughts about your presentation,” hangovers are something every adult dreads. There are some that are just simply annoying and then there are the suckers that knock you down so hard you aren’t sure you’ll ever come back up again.

If you’ve been to college or basically had any sip of alcohol in your life, you’ve been there. You wake up, go for your morning stretch, and all of a sudden you feel like your head is going to explode. There’s a half-eaten pot of mac and cheese still on the stove, your pants are at the front door, and you’re pretty sure this is the worst you’ve ever felt.

Before you find the strength to get out of bed and rummage around for the bottle of Tylenol you thankfully picked up at Target the other day, a number of things run through your head. You wish they’d stop because you’re pretty sure they’re making your headache worse. But regardless, here we are.

“What did I do last night?”

“If I call in sick, they’re going to know. Haley follows me on Instagram and she liked my picture of those jello shots last night.”

“But if I go in, they’re definitely going to know. I smell like vodka and poor decisions.”

“Why is there a 60 second snap story of me with a Gerber daisy? Also…where the fuck did I get a daisy?”

“Actually I am glad about that. Good to see that I could be doing a lot worse.”

“Great. So glad I texted myself about a lady peeing herself in the bathroom.”

“This is terrible. I should shower.”

“I’m never drinking again.”

“What if I throw up in the shower…do I have to tell my roommate?”

“Nah, Scrubbing Bubbles will just take care of it.”

“If I fell asleep in here, would I drown? Would it be better or worse than how I am currently feeling?”

“I showered for 45 minutes and I still smell like a bar. At this point it’s clear that the booze is just coming out of my pores.”

“Fuck it. I’m working from home.”

“Why don’t we stock up on Gatorade every time we go to Safeway. We should be preemptive. There’s nothing in here but a questionable Brita and some old Dominos. Ugh.”

“Grease is supposed to help right? If I call McDonald’s and cry maybe I can convince them to bring me a McGriddle.”

“Thank God for Postmates. Might as well get them to bring me a Gatorade while I’m at it.”

“Aaaaaand Haley texted me, “Hope you’re feeling okay ;)” She’s such a bitch. LIKE YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THERE, HALEY! We ALL saw you at the company Christmas party. Glass houses, bitch. Glass. Houses.”

“So what if it’s a Wednesday? Shit happens.”

“Oh my god. I’m gonna throw up.”

“Can you die from a hangover?”

“Thanks for the notification that I visited the page about dying from hangovers on May 6th, Google. Yet another reminder of how much of a hot mess I am.”


“That tastes like poorly made Kraft and Long Island Ice Tea.”

“I think my ponytail is making it worse.”

“I’m in too much pain to sleep it off. I’m never drinking again.”

“I regret everything.”

“I wonder if I went to the ER if they would actually banana bag me. And I wonder if that would actually work.”

“I feel like someone soaked me in booze, laid me out in a parking lot, and ran over me twelve times with a Prius just to prove they could.”

“Even my fingernails hurt. This is the goddamn worst.”

“I’m seriously never drinking again.”

“Maybe a Bloody Mary will take the edge off…”

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