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30 Signs You’ve Become “That Guy”

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Oh man, “that guy.” No one really knows what “that guy” means, but everyone uses the term. It’s like how Justice Stewart categorized the definition of obscenity in Jacobellis v. Ohio: “I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description, and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it.”

In that light, here are a few signs that you may have indeed flipped the switch and become “that guy.”

  1. You attempt to order off the menu at chain restaurants.
  2. You use the word “peasant” unironically.
  3. Your favorite actor of all time is Mark Wahlberg.
  4. You brake really hard when you perceive that any car might possibly be tailgating you.
  5. You own more than one vintage jean jacket.
  6. You make fun of people for using the word “we” when talking about their sports teams.
  7. You always decide you want in on the pizza after it’s been delivered.
  8. You only put ketchup on potatoes, chicken tenders, or McDonald’s burgers.
  9. You act snobby about people who put ketchup on other things because it tastes good to them.
  10. You never buy your own cigarettes because you “only smoke when you drink.”
  11. You know way too much about the strip club schedules in your area.
  12. You bring beer to a party and take it with you if it’s not finished by the time you leave.
  13. You still play acoustic guitar in front of people who haven’t asked you to.
  14. You change lanes 19 times in one minute only to get yourself nowhere.
  15. You use your smartphone as a boombox in public.
  16. You flirt with the girl your buddy brings to the party.
  17. You call people pal, buddy, chief, or sport as a name placeholder.
  18. You don’t show up to the bar until an hour after everyone decided to meet, and only once you’ve established everyone decided to show up.
  19. You wear shorts in the winter because your legs “don’t get cold.”
  20. You walk slightly slower than everyone else on the sidewalk because you’re busy texting.
  21. You put your playlist on the party speakers as soon as you arrive.
  22. You blame your bad luck with girls on “the friend zone.”
  23. You ask people what they do for a living for the sole purpose of talking about your job.
  24. You talk out of your ass about stuff until you realize the person you’re talking to knows more about the topic than you, and then you change the subject.
  25. You buy boots that are already broken in.
  26. You claim that good music doesn’t get made anymore.
  27. You still talk about your GPA years after graduating.
  28. You refuse someone who offers you a light beer because “craft beer has ruined it for you.”
  29. You talk about how all your exes are crazy, as if that’s somehow not because of your shitty judgment.
  30. You make an entire list about behaviors you subjectively consider to be lame, because you assume you’re some sort of authority on social interaction.

Don’t be that guy. No one likes that guy.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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