======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Like athletes, we are players who possess unique talents and characteristics that determine our place in the dating game. There are stars. There are washed-up veterans. There are mediocre contributors who drift from team to team, forever mired in a cycle of short-term contracts that ultimately lead to the socio-romantic equivalent of broke retirement (i.e. cat lady).
Like the world of sports, we can’t hide from our reputations. We are on stage for all to see. Mutual acquaintances provide scouting reports. Weaknesses are exposed. Skeletons fall out of closets. We court teams and teams court us. We look for potential. We evaluate. Negotiations begin. The media (our social network) interviews us and speculates. If we’re already under contract, trades can happen (though we often find out after the fact). Sometimes we’re placed on waivers. Sometimes we opt not to renew a contract and test the market instead. Like teams, we make depth charts of prospects. Finally, we settle on one. A contract is offered and signed.
Market Value
Every free agent has strengths and weaknesses that define him or her: attractive, fun, smart, cooks, good job, nice ass, etc. Like a big, puck-moving defenseman, some dating free agents are more desirable than others and generate more interest. For these superstars, it’s not hard to secure a long-term contract (marriage) with the best team (Miss Michigan). Other free agents are not so coveted. Like a corner outfielder with so-so power and a decent arm, these people fill short-term needs (i.e. “want someone to cuddle with”) while the team searches for a better option.
Just like in sports, the older a dating free agent gets, the more his or her physical tools deteriorate. There is something to be said for the smarts and experience of grizzled old vets (low-maintenance, don’t mind if you watch football), but these players also come with baggage (divorce, children, bitterness). As a result, most teams search for young talent with raw physical power (example: 36-24-36, no silicone performance enhancers) whose career hasn’t peaked.
Scouting
Every free agent has a reputation and resume. Teams do their homework about a prospect in a few ways:
-Conversations with a previous team (Ex)
-Discussions with other players (The person’s circle of friends)
-First-hand experience (Remember that night she got drunk and threw up all over the hostess stand?)
-Scouting plays a major role in whether or not contract talks begin (Are they ready to commit?)
Contract Talks
Also known as “first dates,” contract talks begin when a team and free agent show mutual interest. Early negotiations usually take place with the player’s agent (BFF) present and, in many cases, the agent acts as a bellwether during the first few weeks of talks. For example:
You: “How did she feel it went the other night?”
BFF Agent: “She enjoyed herself and thinks you’re a great guy, but other teams are in the mix.”
You: “Where do you think I rank? How serious are the other teams?”
BFF Agent: “Pretty serious. After all, my client is highly-coveted. She thinks you’re cute, though.”
Initial interest is generally expressed to the player’s agent (BFF), who takes the information back to her client. From there, each side states its terms for making a deal through the BFF. Sometimes, negotiations never begin. Other times, teams and free agents meet, but interest is lost and talks break off early.
Note: It is crucial that contract talks—especially in their early stages—remain private so they are not influenced by the media (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc.).
All of this is, of course, pending a physical.
Respond
Opting not to renew my contract in favor of free agency was a great decision.
I hope to be a Chipper Jones someday. Once I sign the contract, stay with one team my whole life causing heartache and jealousy to every other team I encounter.
Or, ya know, I end up as the Brett Favre, being 40 years old sending dick pics to 20 something’s. Whatever works
Switch hitter?
I will admit there are some minor flaws in my analogy.
I’m like Tom Brady, but a Tom Brady that never rebounded from IR after a linebacker blew out my knee. I hate Tom Brady.
Getting DFA’d and sent down to the minors. Though, doesn’t seem so bad in this context.
My romantic life is more like Vinny Testaverde. In college, I was pretty good, considered in the upper echelon. Now graduated, all I do is hop from shitty team to shitty team, disappointed in the results.
I’m the Lebron James of the dating world, first round draft pick then bounce when I find something better.
I’m the Joe Flacco of the dating world. I’m a franchise player who’s availability only opens up when food is involved (i.e. Mighty Wings ads = nice dates). Also, I’m highly dependable and I’m a winner.
#Eliteasfuck
In all honesty, who cares? I just love Joe Flacco.
I am the Tom Brady of the dating world. No matter if I’m with the wryly veteran like Wes Welker, or with the rookie with potential like Aaron Dobson who need some breaking in, I always find a way to score more than the other guy.
Do you look like Tom Terrific too?
So you’re completely average most of the time, have shit the bed on multiple occasions, but have one short streak of actual excellence you want to pin your reputation on?
You clearly missed my last sentence.
“In all honesty, who cares? I just love Joe Flacco.”
No I didn’t miss it. I just didn’t want to miss a chance to legitimately reference shitting the bed when I had one.
Personally I’m still trying to break out of the minors
pretty sure i’m the vince young of the dating world 🙁
i just want to find a team like the spurs to sign with! i mean date…whatever.
Jay Cutler….DOOONN’T CAAAARRRE