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27 Things We Learned From “House”

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Everyone has his or her “thing.” As of late, I’ve discovered my “thing” is randomly committing to blowing through every season of long-canceled shows and loving it. It started with “The Sopranos” and has somehow made its way to “House” these last several weeks.

As someone who has zero pattern of liking anything medicinal or set in a hospital, it shocked me how quickly I fell into the “House” trap. Since doing so, I’ve discovered that not only has any inkling of being able to deal with any sort of body ailment calmly and rationally completely left me, but that you can learn a lot from watching “House.”

  1. Everybody needs a lumbar puncture (LP for short) no matter what the diagnosis may be.
  2. Everybody needs an MRI.
  3. And a CT scan.
  4. Everyone definitely has a tumor.
  5. Nobody has a tumor.
  6. Everyone probably has cancer, but definitely doesn’t have cancer.
  7. If you diagnose something incorrectly and give the patient the wrong medicine, it will probably kill or send him or her into some sort of shock.
  8. Everyone seizes.
  9. No, literally. Every single patient has a seizure at one point or another.
  10. Not being able to breathe is commonplace.
  11. Everyone goes into a state of respiratory arrest.
  12. Nine out of 10 patients need a tube shoved down their esophagus.
  13. House actually said, “It’s lumbar puncture time!” once.
  14. You may think you have a common cold, but it’s Lupus.
  15. JK. It’s never Lupus.
  16. A teenage model is prone to getting her dad drunk and having intercourse with him to gain control of her life, but she also probably has a hidden set of testicles, too.
  17. House HATES clinic duty.
  18. Almost no one completes an MRI quietly–there’s screaming, crying, passing out, going into cardiac arrest, or just having a generalized panic attack. It’s not possible.
  19. When you think you’re cured, you’ll pass out in the lobby on your way out and that’s when House and his team will get down to the real diagnosis.
  20. I guess it’s legal to take the breathing mask off someone who can’t breathe in order to torture him or her into telling you the truth?
  21. All patients lie.
  22. Cameron’s had more hair colors than Kelly Osbourne.
  23. House looks like the world’s worst kisser. Ever.
  24. Blood pressure is always dropping at a rapid rate.
  25. Did I mention everyone has a seizure? EVERYONE.
  26. Also, if House can’t figure out what’s wrong with you, no one can. This is why, if I do ever get inexplicably ill, I will hunt down the writers and researchers of “House” and demand answers.
  27. This show is not good for my easily suggestive persona.

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Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com

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