Having a negative bank balance. Ever heard of a savings account? Save 10 percent of every paycheck and watch that shit add up. Buy yourself something nice or never be broke. Your choice.
DUIs. You know what? Scratch that. Drunk driving in general. Get your shit together–you’re not 19 anymore.
Being rude to service industry workers. A cutting remark to a waitress who forgot your check might have gotten a laugh back in college, but there’s a golden rule when eating out: Don’t fuck with the people who handle your food. You don’t know what circumstances led to them getting stuck waiting tables.
Baby talking with your significant other. On behalf of people in adult relationships everywhere, let’s just cut that shit out right now.
Cheating. Your reputation will go from “run of the mill scumbag” in college to “life ruiner” once you hit your mid-20s.
Not speaking your mind. You took Sociology 101 sophomore year. You’re well-read. Speak up.
Going out in public in sweatpants.
Blaming things on your parents. It’s time to take off the diapers. You can afford therapy, even if it is just once every six months.
Not going to at least one black tie formal event every year.
Not having at least one television show you’re obsessed with.
Calling a person your spirit animal. An actual animal is supposed to be your spirit animal.
Not keeping in touch with your family. One call a week goes a long way.
Not voting. You might as well move to North Korea.
Sticking with a job you hate. Once you’ve built your résumé, start flirting and get into bed with another company that will suck your soul dry.
Not getting your hair cut twice a month. Good hair = good paycheck. That’s as consistent as gravity.
Crying in bars. No. Do not. You aren’t allowed to anymore.
Hating the city you live in. Again, you’re an adult with real world experience. Uproot and head for greener pastures if you aren’t happy.
Not moving your body. It’s tempting to plant your ass on the couch after work and sleep in until 8 a.m. every day, but just move. Endorphins, baby.
Not investing. It’s free. Fucking. Money.
Getting rid of your dinosaur.
Using your parents. It’s fine if you have to move back in with Mom and Dad. Shit happens. It’s not okay to move back in and not contribute. Go to the store, play with your younger siblings, and just make life easier for them in general. You might start understanding their actual struggles as opposed to your not real struggles.
Hating people for getting married and having kids. This is the real world, and you can’t just go around hating people for doing completely normal shit. Well, at least just wait until their engagement photos go up on Facebook. I actively root against people who have awful engagement photos.
Getting back together with an ex who fucked you over. This one explains itself. Nothing is more pathetic. People rarely change.
Entering into a “slut phase.” You get a slut phase during college and the two years after. Play the card now if you haven’t already.
Letting anonymous Internet listicle authors tell you how to live your life. Tell me to go fuck myself in the comments. Please, God. I just want to feel something. I hope you were able to get this far. Disregard everything I’ve told you. It’s beautiful outside, so go get drunk and max out your credit cards on an online shopping spree, watch Netflix by yourself, and get some strange ass. You’re in your fucking 20s.