25 Ridiculous Things I’ve Heard My Female Roommates Say

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Living in a house full of girls takes some getting used to. So I hear. I’m still adjusting. But I’ve also heard these things in the last week.

  1. “I’m writing him a get well card. Since he didn’t text me back, he obviously has Ebola.”
  2. “Thank God Oreos are vegetarian.”
  3. “No. No, no, no. You are not wearing that.”
  4. “If I put on boots for this shit and it doesn’t rain, I will literally cry.”
  5. “Good for her for losing that weight. It’s unfortunate she still has that face, though.”
  6. “He took me to the Holocaust Museum on our first date, then asked if I was hungry.”
  7. “I order the most expensive drink on the first date. It’s how I weed out the poors from the husband material.”
  8. “No, I fucking hate him. But I’ll probably go out with him again.”
  9. “My ex just texted me out of the blue to come watch a movie. What an asshole. Can one of you give me a ride?”
  10. “I felt bad. I told him, ‘you’re great, but you just look like someone I’m not going to have sex with.’ ”
  11. “Seriously? Go fucking change.”
  12. “What’s that all-carb diet called where you lose a bunch of weight?”
  13. “We’re not even Facebook friends. How’s he going to see how much fun I’m having without him?”
  14. “I need to do something to get his attention, so I started following Amanda Bynes again for inspiration.”
  15. “I had to wait in line for two hours for this stupid photo. The Instagram likes made it worth it, though.”
  16. “I’m making a career change: from journalism to housewife.”
  17. “What do I tell my boss? ‘Sorry I’m late again, my bagel took fucking forever to toast’?”
  18. “I haven’t been to the gym in so long I literally got lost on the way there.”
  19. “I didn’t expect the sex to be good, but I at least hoped he’d have cleaned his sheets.”
  20. “We’re going out for drinks, but I’m starving. Either he offers to buy appetizers or I’m carrying chicken nuggets in my purse.”
  21. “This year for Halloween, I’m going as my college self. I’m playing the part, so I’ll black out and see you guys in the morning.”
  22. “BRB. I’m going to go cry in the bathroom because Netflix won’t load.”
  23. “I’m not telling him my birthday. If he really cares, he’ll figure it out on his own.”
  24. “Lizzie McGuire taught me how to be a woman.”
  25. “Mozzarella sticks are one of my basic food groups.”

Okay, that last one was me.

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