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25 Signs Your Summer Drinking Habits Have Gotten Out Of Control

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We’ve reached the All Star break for the MLB season, the Fourth of July has passed, and Memorial Day is long gone. However, the college football season is quickly approaching, so now might be a good time to take a wee break from the sauce and give your body some well earned recovery time.

Here are 25 signs that you’ve been pounding the hooch much too hard this summer.

  1. You own more clothes with ranch dressing stains on them than clothing that isn’t stained by ranch dressing.
  2. An out-of-state buddy has left this message on your phone: “Where are you? My wedding is today! You’re supposed to stand up in it!” You don’t get around to even listening to that message until several days later.
  3. You ordered a pizza, forgot about it five minutes later, then ordered another one. Then you passed out waiting for them to arrive. In the bathtub.
  4. There are new, severe aches and pains in your internals when you bend over to tie your shoes.
  5. Your parents are “concerned” after a phone call you had with them in which you swore you were, “totally cool,” but somehow found a way to slur the word “mom.”
  6. You used to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, but seemingly don’t anymore. And you’re not quite sure when that ended or why.
  7. You’re on a first name basis with members of your local fire department.
  8. You wake up to find your HBO GO is still on the episode of “Entourage” you were watching before you passed out.
  9. Pants have been shit in more than one time.
  10. You’ve been listening to a lot of the Eagles. And they’ve been “soundin’ real good.”
  11. You’ve lost teeth since summer began.
  12. You’ve found a random, dirty pair of men’s underwear in your bedroom. You don’t have sex with dudes. You also don’t have male roommates.
  13. You’ve accidentally sent a sext to a family member.
  14. You don’t own any shirts with sleeves on them anymore.
  15. There have been fireworks set off inside your domicile, and not on purpose. You haven’t cleaned them up, nor do you have plans to do so.
  16. You’re on your third new cell phone in the last two months.
  17. You don’t remember the last time you ingested vegetables that weren’t turned into juice and mixed with vodka.
  18. You lost your car. Like, you have NO idea where the fuck it is.
  19. Your drunkest friend wants to have “a talk” with you.
  20. The McDonald’s value menu is where you get “groceries.”
  21. More and more, you find yourself saying, “I’m not allowed in there anymore” when someone suggests a bar.
  22. You’ve gotten drunk and said something along the lines of, “Man, I miss Randy Savage. Can’t believe he’s gone,” while teary-eyed and reaching out for bro hugs.
  23. Your bed has what’s considered to be a fuck ton of mayonnaise on it.
  24. You sustained a drunken injury that required a trip to the ER, where you put a blown up rubber glove on your head and repeatedly referred to the overweight male nurse who tended to you as “Dr. Cookie Dough.”
  25. You tried to grill women’s panties. When asked why you were doing that, you said, “ ’Cuz. Grillin’ panties. Shut up.”

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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