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25 Forced Office Activities No One Is Ever Excited About

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Once upon a time, you would have done many questionable things for employment. And then, finally, someone somewhere looked at your poor soul and your even poorer resume and hired you. It was a great day, but somewhere around day seven, you fell off the excited wagon and into the black hole that is employment. Now, you live in a monotonous, day-to-day routine, just working for the weekend so you can go get shitfaced drunk and make several failed attempts at reliving your glory days. I’m not saying you don’t love your job, I’m just saying you don’t love all the aspects of your job.

  1. Signing the happy birthday/condolence card for a coworker you don’t actually know.
  2. Making awkward bathroom conversation while washing your hands, because, as fate would have it, you both finished doing your business at the same time.
  3. The deep stare and telepathy it takes to notify the other coworker headed to the bathroom that you need to poop.
  4. Participating in retirement parties for people you never even knew existed.
  5. You absolutely refuse to drink the last bit of coffee in the pot because you don’t want to be the one who has to make more.
  6. Pretending like you know what the fuck you’re doing when it comes to unjamming the printer.
  7. Calling the IT guy for any reason whatsoever: “Have you tried restarting your computer? Oh, well try one more time and if it doesn’t help we’ll be out there next week.” He said that two weeks ago.
  8. Making eye contact with the secretary for fear she’ll ask a favor of you, because you know the favor is you moving boxes while she shops for Avon.
  9. Eating the strange food your coworkers bring to the pot luck. Sally is too damn pushy with the egg salad. Calm it, Sally.
  10. Having to give rave reviews of pigs-in-a-blanket.
  11. Subsequently being stuck with 40 pigs-in-a-blanket to take home, meaning you have to keep up with tupperware and become a responsible adult.
  12. Remembering the names of children that aren’t yours.
  13. March Madness brackets that pay out zero dollars due to the company’s gambling policy.
  14. Even getting remotely close to the one guy in the office who will detain you for more than an hour just to talk.
  15. Having to reroute your entire way to the printer/coffee maker/bathroom/exit to avoid said person.
  16. Talking about lunch plans aloud. Because if you do, Todd from accounting will invite himself. You hate Todd.
  17. Pretending to be close friends with the guy in HR so you can continue to Snapchat on the clock without getting reprimanded.
  18. Monday mornings.
  19. 15 minute meetings to “get everyone on the same page” that last an hour.
  20. Anytime anybody brings their kids to the office. At least it reminds you to take your birth control.
  21. Staying five minutes late to avoid being hassled about slacking off.
  22. Pretending that you don’t hate the intern and everything his or her presence means. Live it up while you can, you lucky bastard, you.
  23. Having to be a “team player,” a “go-getter,” or “micromanaged.”
  24. Talking yourself out of becoming homicidal when someone hits “Reply All” to a mass email.
  25. Workshops.

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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