Facebook stalking, FB stalking, or whichever other abbreviation you used to hide your shameful pastime is a dangerous hobby. It always starts as an innocent search with the justification of, “I’m just going to see if he’s a weirdo, okay, you guys? It’s fine,” and ends with, “What year is it? Where am I?”
You set out to check his relationship status, but within seconds, you enter some sort of 1.21 gigawatt “Wrinkle in Time” K-hole alternate reality. It is implied that the primary reason for FB stalking is to check out the men you are interested in. The only other major reason for Facebook stalking is to see if the girls he knows are more attractive. I know–petty, stupid, immature, and impossible to stop doing.
Everthing in moderation, people. Doing your research is one thing, but eventually you will come across something that offends you, simply because you don’t know the context. Close your browser and step away from you computer if you find yourself answering “yes” to any of the following statements.
- You know his birthday, even though he has never told you that information.
- You know his mom’s birthday.
- You know his mom’s sister’s birthday.
- You know the colors of his cousin’s wedding theme…from three years ago.
- You watched the video of him giving a toast at that rehearsal dinner.
- You know inside jokes of his that in no way relate to you.
- You know his beer of choice, as inferred through photo evidence.
- You think that his hair looked so much better after that haircut in 2011.
- You confidently know if he prefers brunettes or blondes based on the women he previously dated.
- You know the name of his freshman roommate and judged him for the Bob Marley poster.
- You have looked at the profile of any girl who appears in more than three of his photos.
- You think that his beach trip last month looked so much more fun that his New York trip last December.
- You have clicked on the link to his company’s Facebook page and then proceeded to actually read the company description.
- You have extended your search past Facebook. Instagram stalking and Twitter stalking are creepier, but still borderline acceptable. If you have started to LinkedIn stalk someone, then please take a moment and reevaluate your entire life.
- You have been introduced to one of his friends, and you awkwardly already knew that friend’s name (and hometown, and employer, and dog’s name, and sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend’s best friend’s name).
- You have accidentally typed his name into your status and not the search.
- You know his favorite movie and favorite quote from “Caddyshack.”
- You have cycled through his profile pictures so many times that you know which picture is next.
- You have lost track of time during a stalk binge.
- You searched for his hometown on Google Maps.
- You have avoided opening your Facebook app in public because you know his page will pop up.
- You have been recommended to “poke” him because you visit his page so frequently. Under no circumstances should you do that.
- You have a favorite shirt of his, but you have never seen him wear it in real life.
- You have checked your “Activity Log” intermittently throughout the stalk just to confirm that you did not accidentally like anything.
If you tragically like a Facebook post or photo that is more than two years old, you must immediately abandon your life. New name, new identity, new hair color. Time to go off the grid, “Lost” style. Live in a shanty out in the wilderness. Learn to build your own shelter. There is no going back.