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23 Signs You’re The Office Mom

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  1. Beginning Dec. 1, you started wearing holiday earrings as part of your regular work attire. Before that, you wore turkey earrings.
  2. If you’re attending a meeting, you’re baking something for it. Some weeks you don’t have meetings. You bake anyway.
  3. You can’t help asking for new pictures of everyone’s kids or dogs. Especially the dogs. Awww, Roofus in a Santa hat!
  4. Someone may have said, “You’re smiling every time I see you!” What’s not to smile about? You just got the cutest e-mail: 74 signs you love cats. With GIFs!
  5. You’ve been accused of using way too many exclamation points in emails. Anything less than three exclamation points per e-mail just doesn’t cut it.
  6. You forward everyone in the department chain emails with pictures of holiday cats. Oh, come on. It’s a grumpy cat in a Santa hat!
  7. You orchestrate countdowns to every major and minor holiday in the calendar year. Only 364 more days until St. Patrick’s Day 2016!
  8. The color of your text and clip art in emails corresponds with the next upcoming holiday. Hope you brought your reading glasses for that shamrock green.
  9. You’re known to organize office events for every single holiday. Every. Single. One. Who’s bringing jelly beans to the office for Easter?
  10. Everything in the office suite is color-coordinated. You did that. It’s honestly just more efficient that way.
  11. When Tina from the administration office calls you to book a room, everyone knows not to bother you for the next 45 minutes–that’s how long you two will talk. Because 44 minutes isn’t enough time to catch up on her 13 grandkids.
  12. You have a different cardigan for every day of the week. For five weeks straight.
  13. It’s not a holiday party if no one bakes cookies! And we all know the only way to do something right is to do it yourself.
  14. You get so confused when the young girls in the office roll their eyes when you say, “Well darlin’, those are just the cutest darn shoes I’ve ever seen!” Do those come in kitten heels?
  15. There’s a strong chance you relate to the women in the office who are 25 years older than you are more than you relate to the ones who are 25 days younger. You stayed out HOW late last night? Mercy me.
  16. You start entirely too many stories with, “When I was your age…” My, how things have changed in two and a half years.
  17. You’re always the first to lead all your begrudging coworkers in an off-kilter version of “Happy Birthday” to an even more begrudging birthday employee. Once a year, you’ll lead the song for yourself, too.
  18. Office white elephant party? Someone’s getting a crocheted scarf. “It’ll look so adorable with the mittens you got last year!”
  19. You call IT every other day for help with your printer problems. I swear this dang thing worked yesterday!
  20. You’re playing ultra-religious Christmas music from your computer five days a week, eight hours a day. Without headphones. We ain’t celebratin’ Mariah Carey ‘round these parts, kiddos.
  21. By the time 3 p.m. rolls around, there’s about a 97 percent chance you’re drinking hot tea out of a cat mug with no shoes on. “But come on in, honey, you’re not bothering me!”
  22. Anyone you talk to is honey, darling, sweetheart, or sugar. Even coworkers who are older than you. Especially coworkers who are older than you.
  23. You’re not 30 yet and you have no intention of having kids soon, but sadly, all of these apply to you. You can’t imagine what you’ll be like when you actually have kids. Dear God.

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The Recruitment Chair

The Recruitment Chair is a mid-level employee with a low-level salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include lounging around in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt with a bottle of $14 wine while binge-watching episodes of Game of Thrones and Mad Men, as well as....well, that's really it.

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