In case you missed it, last week was my birthday. To celebrate officially entering my “late twenties,” I got champagne drunk while watching Scream Queens, forced my friend who hates the ocean to try oysters, and took myself on a vacation and spared no expense. Who spent a ton of money on a private wig party with bubbly, fake eye lashes, and glitter? Oh just everyone’s favorite hipster: c’est moi.
However, while bopping around downtown that evening in my My Little Pony wig doing shots of Jameson and unapologetically SnapChatting my overtly made up self, I had a thought. There will eventually come a day where that kind of thing is not only not allowed, but frowned upon. Right now it’s quirky and silly, but someday it will be uncomfortable.
So what kind of things am I too old for? This is the question I’m asking while listening to One Direction and hoping the airline found my bag because my tacky tourist shirts were in there. The following are the things I’ve come up so far that I’ll need to say farewell to or that I’ve already kissed goodbye since accepting that I am an adult. But I’m keeping the wig and the glitter and you’ll have to pry them from old ass, 26-year-old hands.
1. Shopping Anywhere Labeled, “Juniors.”
If you are purchasing and wearing pieces of clothing that mention anything in an acronym and are not doing so ironically, I think we need to have a talk. I get FOMO too, but I don’t need to put it on my sweatshirt.
2. Candy Crush Invites.
Who still plays fucking games on their phone and invites people?! Who ARE you?! You either need to put away the game and go back to work or realize that you are becoming a stereotypical weird Facebook mom. I’ll look forward to your overuse of Emojis next.
3. Being A Picky Eater.
My dad’s rule when I was a kid was I had to try three bites of everything and afterwards, I didn’t have to eat it if I still objected. If you are beyond the age of six and still won’t try new things you are annoying and don’t deserve those beautiful food Instagrams we all love seeing on a casual Sunday afternoon. You just don’t.
4. Refusing To Pick Up The Check.
I don’t care if you are the girl and he’s offered or if you’re just the asshole friend who never says, “Hey I got this.” Offer sometimes. Doesn’t have to be all the time but a stingy friend never lasts long.
5. Texting Arguments
We all love a good Facebook debate, we all love a good Twitter war, but if you’re over the age of 17 and still routinely pick fights over texting you’re not non-confrontational, you’re a douchebag. Man up and stand up for yourself in person if it’s so damn important. Otherwise, put that sucker on “Do Not Disturb” and simply don’t get into it.
6. Not Flossing.
Dude just…ew. Seriously? Love yourself more. Aren’t you tired of bracing yourself for bleeding gums every time you go to the dentist? Just fucking floss, man.
7. “What’s your number?” Shaming.
First and foremost, it’s absolutely only your business if that person being asked decides they’re comfortable answering. But regardless of their answer who the hell cares? I don’t care if they’ve had sex with one person or 52, it’s 2015 and not a big deal.
8. Sleeping On A Mattress On The Floor.
Same goes with a futon or a twin sized bed. Go to Ikea and treat yo’self.
9. Physically Fighting.
Unless you are a white girl and it is the last Rose Gold iPhone 6s and you simply MUST, there’s no reason to ever go there. Do what everyone else does and subtweet or pin things to your secret board on Pinterest about “rising above.”
10. Having An Email That Isn’t Your Name.
I mean if you still rock your firstname.lastname@example.org with reckless abandon more power to you, but have something with your actual name to give to people who don’t appreciate your humor and may send you legal documents. You can always set up a forward if it’s such a big deal. But having something with a bunch of numbers or a joke on your cover letter doesn’t give off the best impression.
11. Drunk Driving.
There are cabs, there’s Uber, or you can walk. No excuses, man.
12. Not Regularly Doing Laundry.
If I walk into your apartment and see socks covering your bathroom floor or wrinkled t-shirts all over your couch, I’m going home. Same goes for if I can tell you don’t wash your sheets. You aren’t fooling anyone by claiming that stain came from accidentally spilling Perrier. We all know. We ALL know.
13. Being Grossed Out By Bodies.
You’re no panty-dropper yourself, probably. Every girl gets her period and everyone farts. Stop being skeeved out by it. It’s not cute.
14. Bragging About Not Being Able To Cook.
Can you stir? Can you turn on an oven? Congratulations, you can cook. You don’t have to LOVE it, I certainly don’t, but bragging about how if you didn’t have Chipotle you would starve isn’t endearing, it’s making people worry.
15. Never Apologizing.
We’re all dicks sometimes, some of us more than others. I had to apologize to my best friend just two days ago because I overreacted and treated her badly and cattily on my part. But I said sorry and we moved on. Just be able to own it when you fuck up. People will respect you more.
16. Routinely Blacking Out Or Drinking Past The Point Of No Return.
We’re all going to rage every now and again, but if you’re consistently blacking out and/or being cleaned up and put to bed by your friends, that’s not “figuring out your 20s”, it’s having a problem. And this is coming from a girl who forced her friends into a drunken photo shoot on a park bench this past Friday, so trust me when I say I like to party as much as the next person. But in moderation please and thank you.
17. Not Being Able To Take Care Of Your Health.
Know your blood type, know your allergies, know about your insurance provider. Lest you end up in the back of an ambulance hoping you guessed right with O and don’t end up royally screwed.
18. Not Exercising.
Yeah, everyone hates it. I hate the gym more than most, but I also hate the idea of heart disease and putting on beer weight so I lace up my sneakers and deal with it so you can too.
19. Still Having A Cell Phone With Minutes.
Honorary mention to still being on your parent’s plan.
We have all written about ghosting to the point of no return, so let’s all just agree we’re too old and too good for it. The fact of the matter is you’re going to want to blow people off and it will feel easier to just disappear rather than say, “Hey this is where I’m at right now.” But instead of doing that you should pull your balls out of your back pocket, toss out one of those “sorrys” we talked about earlier, and be honest.
And do so in a timely fashion. Not a month down the road. Otherwise, you deserve whatever adult acne or terrible hangover you get because of karma.
21. Being Mean For Fun.
You’re not a “bad bitch” or “just telling it like it is.” You’re a sociopath.
22. Being Incapable Of Taking Things With A Grain Of Salt.
It’s not world peace, it’s just a joke you didn’t find funny. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a line at the airport. And it’s not that big of a deal, it’s just a list on the internet. .
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