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22 Things You Should Know About Dabs

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Dabs are the fraternity punch of cannabis ingestion methods. You are aware beforehand that the effects will be far more treacherous than smoking a personal bowl or ordering your typical whiskey and water with lime, but as a seasoned smoker, you’ll think you can handle it–just like a 98 pound sorority girl thinks she can handle five cups out of the mystery barrel on the boat at away weekend. So if I had to put a label on it, I’d consider a relationship with dabs to be one that falls under the category of “it’s complicated.” On paper, dabs are the best idea ever. They’re highly portable, the taste is sweeter, and the smell fades faster than you can say, “I’m stoned as a gypsy.” But with that being said, dabs can also hit you harder than a bitchslap from Regina George herself. So, Ms. Heron, it’s important to be aware of both the pros and cons of your twisted friendship with cannabis concentrate:

  1. You will not be able to properly interact with another human being for at least three hours. Plan accordingly.
  2. Your hangover will disappear almost instantaneously.
  3. You will want to watch Ultra videos for two straight hours.
  4. But it will make you feel exhausted.
  5. You will underestimate the effects of two hits from a G pen. It will actually fuck you, and you won’t even see it coming.
  6. Your typical go-to smoking shows (i.e. “New Girl” and “Tosh.0”) will not be funnier. They will be incomprehensible.
  7. You will not worry about a damn thing for the entire day.
  8. But your eyes will be redder than the devil’s dick.
  9. Experiencing “munchies” will lead to a whole new world of previously unexplored cuisine possibilities.
  10. Going out in public after smoking will not be an option.
  11. If you legitimately try to socialize, you will be paranoid that everyone hates you. In reality you’re the asshole who’s just blankly staring back at them as they try to make friendly conversation.
  12. Shpongle will start making sense.
  13. Taking a power nap will happen whether you planned on it or not.
  14. Updating your Snapchat story will seem like a good idea. It’s not.
  15. Everyone you come in contact with will think you are either mentally handicapped or a total bitch.
  16. Your significant other will be pissed at you for something you forgot to do.
  17. You will legitimately enjoy absurd musical genres you didn’t even know existed, in languages you don’t understand.
  18. You will try to make a mental note to look up more music by Stromae later.
  19. Your creative brilliance will amaze you and you will question why you chose to major in something as pedestrian as accounting.
  20. Even if the only things left in your pantry are Raisin Bran and dried kale, they will be demolished by your stoned, degenerate friends.
  21. Your previous relationships with THC will be forever altered.
  22. Because from now on, you will only ever want to do dabs.

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Lyla Garrity

After dumping her high school beau, Tim Riggins, Lyla transferred from Vanderbilt to the most expensive university in Texas and recently graduated only to conclude she is too pretty to spend the next four years slaving away in medical school. With a now worthless Biology degree she’ll be attending business school starting this fall. Her pastimes include cheerleading, brunching, and frequenting pretentious Dallas bars on the weekends.

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