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22 Things You Have To Do On Your Last Day Of Work

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There are probably things that you consider doing at least once a day while you’re on the job that you talk yourself out of because they could in some way endanger your position with the company. But if it’s your last day, and you already have your next job lined up, you can let you inhibitions run wild. Sure, you probably shouldn’t do anything that’ll get you arrested or is so outrageous that your boss feels compelled to call your future employer and let them know. There are certain things that you definitely can get away with now, though.

  1. Park in the CEO’s parking spot.
  2. Offer your unsolicited opinion in every meeting.
  3. Booze at lunch.
  4. Clean out your desk. Sure, it’s expected of you, but it’s oddly satisfying.
  5. Ask out the girl who told you months ago that she “doesn’t date coworkers.”
  6. Get turned down by the girl who “doesn’t date coworkers,” because that wasn’t the actual reason she didn’t go out with you.
  7. Spread rumors about what people in the office have said about other people. You’ll be gone by the time the consequences hit.
  8. Watch Netflix at your desk and make no attempt to hide it.
  9. Consider setting fire to the building at least once an hour.
  10. Eat every lunch in the fridge that’s labelled with someone else’s name. Take as much time as you need.
  11. Make fun of everyone who will still be working at your stupid company next week.
  12. Play the PGP Friday Playlist over your speakers.
  13. Don’t do any work. What’re they gonna do, fire you?
  14. Make the “what’re they gonna do, fire me?” joke every five minutes.
  15. Actively try to poach the coworkers you like for your new company.
  16. Flip all of the toilet paper rolls around to the “under” position like a fucking animal.
  17. Have the interns run personal errands for you.
  18. Draw a penis on every whiteboard in the building.
  19. Tell every person interviewing for a job that day exactly what it’s like to work there.
  20. Start a game of poker in the break room.
  21. Leave an hour early. For lunch.
  22. Send every “this is what I think about you” email that you’ve been saving in your drafts for the last few years once you get home.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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