There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just get it off my chest:
You’re getting fat.
Phew. That’s a relief. Welcome to fat America. You’re gaining weight; maybe that’s something you’re proud of or maybe you aren’t. While the #TeamDadBody movement marches on, and we all know that ladies dig a prominent paunch barely covered by a Hawaiian shirt, I’m not going to flat out encourage weight gain. I don’t think I legally can. Gone are the days of Homer Simpson gaining 61 pounds so he can go on disability and be lauded for such an accomplishment. He’s truly an inspiration to us all.
Either way, love it or hate it, the fact of the matter is that you’re getting a little corpulent around the edges, and you may want to know that. Unfortunately, unless you’ve got a checkup coming up, nobody’s going to just tell you that you’re becoming a Crisco kid, because you’ve surrounded yourself with a group of slack-jawed yes men you call “friends and loved ones.” Phoey on them. Anyone who loves you will tell you that you’re becoming a fat fat fatty fat fat fat. Here’s a handy guide to reading between the lines so you can see if people are telling you you’re becoming a hippo.
- Your boss wants to sign you up for a weight loss challenge.
- You’ve successfully tuned out the sounds of floorboards creaking beneath your feet.
- Once inanimate bathroom scales run away screaming when you enter the room.
- You’re banned for life from glass bottom boat tours.
- Forget “Cheers”–the only place where everybody knows your name is at the diner.
- Your mother now tells you “you’re looking puffy” in addition to telling you to get your hand off of your penis.
- A tuba player started following you around and you have no idea how to make him go away.
- Whenever you grow out your mustache, people tell you you look like a young Wilford Brimley.
- You broke your bed, despite not having had sex in months.
- You traded in your car for a mobility scooter.
- You haven’t seen your genitals since Christmas.
- Your underwear is an 85 percent kevlar blend.
- You have a tab at your local Krispy Kreme.
- Whenever people tell you that you’re looking “rubenesque,” they mean “Ruben Studdard-esque.”
- This is how people know you’re coming.
- Whenever you’re stuck, you think “WWTD?” (“What Would Taft Do?”)
- You have had a sexual fantasy about Mama June.
- You keep finding food in your pockets from days, weeks, or even months ago and decide to eat it anyway.
- You’ve tried to order a double Double Down at KFC so many times, they got a court order preventing them from making the sandwich.
- One Quesarito just isn’t enough anymore–it’s never enough.
- You think the sloth is the most noble creature in the animal kingdom.
- This is how you get cleaned up for a hot date.