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21 Ways To Emasculate A Man In Bed

Screen Shot 2014-08-07 at 10.00.55 AM

Sometimes you’ve got to let him know who’s boss.

  1. Instead of calling him “baby,” call him “kiddo.”
  2. When you pull down his pants, look at his penis and sigh.
  3. Hand him a Magnum, laugh, and say, “Whoops! Won’t be needing that, now will we…”
  4. Be completely silent, unless it’s to say something like, “Is it in yet?” or “Are you done?”
  5. Giggle the entire time. If he asks why you’re giggling uncontrollably, tell him it’s because his penis is “just so adorbs.”
  6. Give him pointers by referring to previous sexual encounters with your ex. “Ryan always did it like this…”
  7. Don’t touch or even look at his penis. Tell him you’re afraid that even looking at it will break it.
  8. Speak to him in baby talk the entire time. “Your wittle nose cwinkles up evwee time and it’s so pwecious, yes it is!”
  9. Look disappointed and ask him to keep his shirt on. Follow up with “I can tell it’s been awhile since you’ve lifted and I don’t want to make you feel self-conscious or anything.”
  10. Look confused.
  11. Put every stuffed animal you’ve ever owned on your bed beforehand and refuse to move them.
  12. When he inevitably knocks one off, stop everything you’re doing. Retrieve it immediately, then make him apologize to it and kiss its boo-boos.
  13. Ask him how his nana is doing right as he’s about to finish.
  14. While on top, suddenly go as limp as a rag doll. Tell him he’s “just not doing it for you anymore.” Pretend to be asleep.
  15. When it’s over say, “That’s it?”
  16. Make an entire playlist of Taylor Swift songs to play on loop the entire time. Have “Teardrops On My Guitar” play twice.
  17. Question if he does THAT with every girl he’s with. If he says yes, say “Oh. That explains a lot.” Don’t elaborate further.
  18. If he asks you if you’re up for Round 2, just say, “Nah, I’m good.”
  19. Ask him if this is his first time. Act surprised when he says it’s not.
  20. When he asks you if you like that, reply with, “I guess it’s alright.”
  21. “And you’re sure it’s in…?”

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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