Thanksgiving is a time of food, alcohol, friends, and family. While it’s wonderful to catch up with Aunt Linda and hear all about her most recent plastic surgery and her boyfriend who is younger than you are, not all of your relatives will be interested in talking about Miley Cyrus’ tongue and effective ways to hide your hangover at work. Nope, Aunt Linda is a rare breed. She is your only ally in this fight against real adulthood. Cherish Aunt Linda. Hold her tight. But not too tight, mind you; her comically oversized lips may pop.
While you’ll have far too much fun hovering over the eggnog bowl with your mom’s alcoholic older sister, at some point or another, you’re going to be forced to interact with the other dysfunctional guests, otherwise known as your family. You’ll be met with some awkward questions, some awkward statements, and some awkward pauses. Prepare yourself and soldier through it. That’s what alcohol is for.
1. Are you seeing anyone?
Nope. I’m fairly positive that I’m going to die alone. Don’t worry though, my cats will probably have eaten me by the time anyone realizes I’m gone. Shouldn’t be too much of a bother for you.
2. Have you gained weight?
Yes. One million pounds.
3. How’s your job?
Don’t have one. I make money off selling things on eBay. Next question.
4. Do you need something to drink?
Always. I knew I liked you, Aunt Carol. You get me. See that bowl of mashed potatoes? Empty it out and fill it with vodka.
5. Are you getting along with your roommates?
You mean my mom and dad? Yeah, I guess. I mean, my mom grounded me last week for coming home blackout from a happy hour at Ruby Tuesday, but she didn’t take away my TV privileges, so I guess it wasn’t that bad.
6. I think you’ve had enough to drink.
I’m sorry. That wasn’t a question. And no, the party isn’t over until the fat lady sings and I have not yet started singing. Moving on.
7. Are you sure you need second helpings?
Yes. This stuffing is all I have. Why would you try to take that from me?
8. Why don’t you play with your younger cousins?
I would, but if I get sweat or spittle on this silk top, then J. Crew won’t let me return it. Don’t you see the tags still in the bag? This baby’s going back, Carol. I can’t afford $30 blouses like you can. We’re not all made of money.
9. Will you please put down your phone?
Sure. But first let me first send out this really passive aggressive tweet about how much I hate all of you.
10. Are you having fun?
Wait. Is that the goal of all of this? Are we supposed to actually be enjoying this? Because, no. I am not having fun.
11. Why don’t you switch to water?
I feel like we’ve already covered this. Mind your own damn business, Carol.
12. Who wants dessert?
Oooh. Me, me, me!!!
13. What is everyone thankful for?
Alcohol. And the fact that my parents still pay for my cell phone bill. That’s pretty legit.
14. Is it okay if I put the wine up?
God damn it, Carol. You’ve lost the right to speak. Silence from you for the next hour.
15. Why don’t you join an online dating site?
Because the only thing worse than being alone is being on an online dating site. It may not look like it, but I have a thing called self-respect. I don’t have a lot. But I have enough. And also, the last good photo I took was in high school, so I don’t even know what I’d use for my profile picture.
16. Does anyone want to play a board game?
Yes. Flip cup.
17. Your cousin Tate just got engaged. Isn’t that exciting?
Yes. She’s younger than I am. I’m so excited to be the only single bridesmaid in my baby cousin’s wedding. It’s every girl’s dream.
18. Do you want to go shopping for Black Friday at midnight?
The only thing worse than having to be around discount shoppers would be having to be around discount shoppers with you, Aunt Carol. Also, it has not been an hour; you’re not supposed to be speaking yet. I’ll pass.
19. Have you decided what you want to do career wise?
Honestly, I’m kind of hoping that something just falls into my lap. You know, like a winning lottery ticket or an oil tycoon. That would really be ideal.
20. Are you drunk?
Yes, very. In all honestly, I’ve been drunk since noon. I’m what you might call a functioning alcoholic. Give or take on the functioning.
21. Are you excited for Christmas?
Not if it means having to be around all of you people again. Just kidding. I’m really excited. Also, there’s a detailed copy of my Christmas list for each of you on the kitchen counter. When in doubt, cash will do.