1. “Please forward all of my calls to (immediate superior’s name).”
2. Park in guest parking. Who will say ‘boo?’
3. Shoot your shot with Laura in accounting.
4. Post your going away party itinerary in Slack/Basecamp.
5. “Claire in marketing? Totally hit that back in 2k13. Don’t tell anyone, though.”
6. Leave a pair of size 20 Starburys next to your desk, because they need to know…they’ve got big shoes to fill.
7. Out of office notification email set from 12-5 p.m. everyday.
8. “F–k you, f–k you, you’re cool, f–k you…”
9. Exit interview. Capital Grille.
10. Bring a plus-one to your exit interview.
11. Tell anyone who asks for anything that you’re “too swamped with the transition.”
12. Write “burn in hell” on your keycard.
13. Call the front desk everyday to make sure your town car will be there to pick you up on your last day.
14. Bequeath your filthy mousepad to an intern. “Take good care of it.”
15. Loudly ask about the company’s stock option program with your boss.
16. Start every sentence with “We’ve both been here long enough to know…”
17. Make sure everyone knows about your new company’s work-from-home policy.
18. Refer to the person who is filling your position as your “heir.”
19. Send yourself roses on your second to last day.
20. “Peace out, warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip.”
21. No-show on your last day. You’re outty 5000. They can have the cake. .
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