21 Power Moves You Can Pull On Thanksgiving

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A wheelin’ and dealin’ holiday edition of a PGP staple.

  1. Loudly tell stories about your Black Wednesday escapades at the kids’ table.
  2. Whip your cousin’s hot girlfriend with a dish towel.
  3. Clean out your local liquor store’s supply of André.
  4. Propose a toast to celebrate your “monster quarter.”
  5. Sneak your 14-year-old cousin some whiskey.
  6. Take over mashed potato duty after telling people you skipped your forearm workout.
  7. Tell relatives you’re “playing the field until the day after Valentine’s Day” when your relationship status comes up.
  8. Bring a gigantic box of Ferrero Rocher from Costco as your dish.
  9. Get really drunk and blame it on tryptophan.
  10. Say, “I’m not as good as I used to be” after polishing off seconds.
  11. Tell your younger relatives that you have Santa’s email address and will be reporting their behavior.
  12. Keep a Brooks Brothers catalog on your person and pull it out when someone asks you what you want for Christmas.
  13. Talk about Black Friday as a “shining example of American capitalism in action.”
  14. Say you need to call your bookie right before each football game kicks off.
  15. Call out your cousin for already putting up their Christmas tree and label him or her a communist.
  16. Declare yourself “QB1” in the family backyard pickup football game.
  17. Say, “It’s like stealin’ money” when the subject of your job comes up.
  18. Roll your eyes and groan loudly when a jewelry store commercial comes on during a commercial break.
  19. Take over turkey carving duty.
  20. Try to outdrink your uncles.
  21. Eat an entire pan of stuffing by yourself.

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