Flying the friendly skies has never looked this good.
1. Business Select or GTFO.
2. “You know, ‘A-List Preferred’ used to mean something in this country!”
3. Ask the gate agent if you can board the plane from stairs instead of the traditional jetway, Air Force One style.
4. “I’d fly Southwest a lot more if they upped their biz class game.”
5. Tip airport bartender at least 25%. It is 9 a.m. after all.
6. Boisterously wave your Starbucks Gold Card and offer to pay for the person behind you, claiming you’re “all about that points life.”
7. “College volleyball team. 10 o’clock.”
8. Demand to speak to a manager if you’re in Boarding Group C.
9. “No, no. I only fly through Love when I connect in Dallas.”
10. Enthusiastically shake the pilot’s hand and let them know you’ve got the cabin under control if shit gets hairy.
11. Wink at the co-pilot and tell him to “go get ‘em, kid.”
12. “Would I fly Allegiant? No chance. Do I approve of their shady business practices and laissez faire attitude towards aircraft maintenance to maximize profit? That’s hard to say.”
13. Dress for the American Airlines AAdvantage card you want, not the Southwest Rapid Rewards account you have.
14. New luggage set from Brookstone? Don’t mind if I do.
15. “What equipment we got today? 737-800? 900?”
16. Refer to CLT, MCO, ATL and TPA as the “Chilis Belt.”
17. Chalk that crying baby up to shitty parenting.
18. “This free wi-fi is dogshit.”
19. Dap up the captain when deplaning. “Helluva landing, skip.”
20. Offer a person sitting in the exit row $100 to switch seats.
21. “I’m fully instrument rated on Flight Simulator 2002. I could land anything with less than three engines. No sweat.” .