1. Order double everything. Double rice, double beans, double meat, double veggies, double sour cream. If you want it, double down.
2. Reach over the sneeze guard and stick two fingers deep into the steak to see if its fresh. Then ask for chicken.
3. Take a 5-inch thick stack of napkins from the dispenser, far more than you could possibly need, because you’d rather be safe than sorry.
4. Order the $7 Patron margarita, effectively doubling the cost of your meal.
5. Ask what a Sofrita is (it’s organic tofu made from Hodo Soy, or some shit). Then order a double steak burrito.
6. Demand to see the secret menu. When they tell you there is no “secret menu,” demand to speak with a manager.
7. When the manager comes out, ask for a quesarito (burrito wrapped in a quesadilla – it’s on the secret menu) with double everything, and whisper every aspect of your order like you’re discussing confidential information.
8. Snidely say, “I think I’ll still make rent,” when they tell you guacamole is extra.
9. Pocket a full bottle of Tabasco sauce and take it home to make up for the cost of guacamole.
10. Purposefully hold up the assembly line by texting and not paying attention, and say, “Who are you, the soup Nazi?” to anyone that attempts to hurry you along.
11. Decline soda. Instead, ask for a water cup, then fill that water cup with a squirt of every single soda brand available (also known as a “suicide”).
12. Sneeze into your hand, then wipe your hand on the sneeze guard like that’s what you think it’s for.
13. Ask one of the assembly line workers to explain how barbacoa is made. When they are finished explaining, look disgusted and ask for chicken.
14. Pay the extra cost of guacamole in pennies.
15. Pretend to doze off halfway through the assembly line like you’re narcoleptic. When someone shakes you, continue ordering as if nothing happened.
16. Eat alone during lunch rush hour and sit at a table meant for a group of four people.
17. Ask the first assembly line worker if their tortillas are “farm-to-table.”
18. Talk on your cell phone at an obnoxiously loud volume the entire time you’re waiting in line, and then off-and-on while you’re ordering.
19. Attempt to communicate in broken Spanish when ordering, as if you assume every Chipotle employee only speaks Spanish. “YO QUIERO MUCHAS CHEESES.”
20. Absolutely destroy the area in which you consume your meal by spilling salsa, leaving chip crumbs everywhere, and refusing to take your waste to the trash can.
21. Order a double cheeseburger..