1. Write “Senior VP” on your name tag.
2. Ask anyone you talk to how much stock they have in Apple.
3. Tip the student body president and thank him or her for a lovely evening.
4. Ask members of the the ’98 district champion soccer team if they need to borrow any money.
5. Tell everyone with kids how thankful you are to not have kids.
6. Prepare a slideshow with your class song where every picture features you.
7. Order a drink that doesn’t exist and ask to speak with a manager when the bartender fails to make it correctly.
8. Make a face like you’re about to be sick when someone tells you about their job.
9. Set your phone alarm for every ten minutes. Pick it up, hit snooze and tell everyone the market can wait.
10. Quiet the entire room and propose a toast to everyone finding a career half as lucrative as yours.
11. Make it your goal to tell everyone that you’re looking to hire an assistant if they’re interested.
12. Ask each child who their favorite character is in “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
13. Ask the salutatorian how second place tastes.
14. Tell people to connect with you on Tinder.
15. Remind your ex in front of her husband how lucky you both are that she never got pregnant.
16. Start a game of spin the bottle.
17. Pay the hostess to announce that there’s a Ferrari being towed and immediately sprint towards the parking lot.
18. Open every conversation with “What do you drive?”
19. End every conversation with “I don’t normally do this, but shoot your resume to my personal email.”
20. Tell your ex-girlfriend from sophomore year that her husband has your blessing.
21. Take advantage of every single opportunity to say, “Work hard, play hard.”