Click-bait titles are the worst things to happen to the internet. They’re used to entice you into clicking on a link that often leads to subpar content. Some of the click-bait titles actually just have one or two word answers, and internet heroes like Twitter’s @SavedYouAClick water these down to the bare minimum. As someone writing for a site whose writers actually put thought into their topics and columns, I think it’s near criminal for inferior sites (I can’t say names, but I’m sure you can guess) to waste a reader’s time by luring him or her into an ad revenue vacuum with a click-bait title and shitty content.
However, even though click-bait is horrible, we all have our topics that we would click on if there was a click-bait title. That’s the insidious thing about click-bait: it often works if you can pique someone’s curiosity. For example, if a site wanted me to click on their click-bait link, here are some titles that would work:
1. “You won’t believe what this guy did with a hamster.”
Did it involve his butt? I’m pretty sure it involved his butt. I HAVE to know.
2. “Does pizza have health benefits?”
I’ll eat it either way, but I’d like to have an excuse to double my intake.
3. “Here are the top 10 side boobs at the Emmys. Who was #1?”
4. “Is this Amanda Bynes’ brain or a sponge in acid?”
I do enjoy a good challenge.
5. “These 12 female celebrities have Tinder accounts. Is that really Mila Kunis at #6?”
I’d walk on a bed of hot coals to have Mila Kunis as a Tinder match and future sugar momma.
6. “Are you at risk of sudden death? Click here to find out!”
Better than Ebola, but I’m not taking any chances.
7. “We gave Chipotle to a bunch of ornery North Koreans. You’ll never guess what happened after.”
Testing my theory that Chipotle is the miracle cure for communism.
8. ”Watch what happens when a cop shoots an unarmed teenager in slow motion.”
Get that judgmental look off your face.
9. “New Poll: What is the ideal penis size? We asked around and you won’t believe the answer!”
I’m clicking this assuming they polled straight women in my zip code.
10. “John Oliver CRUSHES people who don’t like pepperoni on their pizza.”
Seriously, what is wrong with those people?
11. “You won’t believe what this man found in his bedroom when he got home Friday night.”
The mythical G-spot?
12. “We just power ranked the 20 tastiest cheeses in the world.”
I wonder if this list is any gouda AMIRITE? (I hate myself.)
13. “Here are 50 restaurants you must eat at before you die.”
I’ll bet at least half of these are on the other side of the country.
14. “This is what happens when a nun opens a marijuana shop.”
God bless her.
15. “Take a look inside the mansion that just sold for $1 billion.”
Why yes, I would love to look at the ridiculously luxurious lifestyle some nerdy tech billionaire lives.
16. “This guy just farted in an elevator—the reactions of the other occupants are priceless.”
Heh heh. Farts.
17. “Meet the porn star who has a great relationship with her father.”
No. Way. I have to see this.
18. “Here’s the one thing to NEVER say to a woman at a bar.”
I can actually think of a ton of things I shouldn’t say to a woman at a bar.
19. “Yelp reviewer leaves vicious review for a Cleveland McDonald’s; Ronald McDonald posts badass response.”
20. “This is what it looks like when 2 homeless guys fight over a wheel of cheese.”
21. “Watch this adorable puppy run circles around a crying baby.”
Sure, why not?.