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20 Things To Do Before Turning 30

1. Learn To Take Dumps In Public Places

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You’re an adult now, and adults have to be comfortable with doing number two in public. We are animals after all. I’m pretty sure the first time homosapiens left the cave was to find a nice tree to push out a log behind.

2. Have A Terrifying Vegas Experience

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I’m talking drink-five-scotches-on-the-plane-ride-there-and-succumb-to-violent-shakes-on-the-plane-ride-back terrifying.

3. Go To Breakfast With A One Night Stand

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If you’re willing to be seen with them in public and they’re willing to show their face in public, go grab some bacon and eggs at Denny’s, or class it up at a decent brunch place.

4. Go On A Long Road Trip And Don’t Kill Anyone

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Nothing tests the bonds of friendship quite like a long road trip. After an hour on the road, your friends’ quirks will really start to wear on you. Put up with that for a weekend and you’ve found friends that will last a lifetime.

5. Cook A Meal For Yourself Without Breaking Down In Tears Just Once

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There are few lonelier moments than cooking dinner for one. Embrace it. You’re an adult that is capable of feeding yourself.

6. Be Not Embarrassing On The Golf Course

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The worst thing you can do is be unprepared when your boss or a client asks you to play 18, and you roll out on the links looking like Charles Barkley.

7. Live In A New City And Don’t Hate It

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Worst comes to worst, you can always go home and live with mom and dad. Everyone loves moving back in with their parents, don’t they?

8. Give A Great Wedding Speech While Completely Hammered

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Wing it. Be the star of the reception. Boom.

9. Wake Up In A Stranger’s House After Not Having Intimate Relations With That Stranger

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This one will really just remind you to get your shit together. The only thing more shameful than the walk of shame is doing the walk of shame out of a house after not hooking up.

10. Use The Foreign Language You Took In College To Hook Up With A Foreigner

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You might have accidentally told them that you wanted to “be their spouse in the love quarters of bed passion,” but your charm will be impossible to turn down.

11. Take A Spontaneous Road Trip To See An Old Friend And Be Drunk The Entire Time

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Obviously, don’t get hammered in the car. Nothing rekindles the flames of old friendships like a 48-hour bender.

12. Pray That One Of Your Sports Teams Wins A Championship

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Because once you turn 30, rioting in the streets is no longer standard celebrating procedure.

13. Get A Tattoo, Then Get It Removed

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You can’t erase a mistake until you make the mistake.

14. Take Your Parents Out To Dinner

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Just a little reminder that a little thanks can go a long way.

15. Live By Yourself, If Only For A Little Bit

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Because no rent is too high when you hate everyone.

16. Ride A Jet Ski Every Summer

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Why would you not do this? Have you ever seen an unhappy person riding a jet ski?

17. Have A Life-Changing Karaoke Experience

18. Drive The Shit Out Of A Rental Car

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Because when something can be insured for five dollars a day, risk is no longer a factor.

19. Ask Someone Who’s Way Out Of Your League On A Date

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Worst case scenario, they say no. Best case scenario, you marry someone extremely good looking.

20. Dump The Shit Out Of The Person You’re Dating If You Don’t Want To Marry Them

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The divorce rate is over 50%. Stop contributing.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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