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20 Things Less Brutal To Watch Than Brazil’s Performance Today

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The performance Brazil just put in against Germany is one for the record books. The word “cringeworthy” is overused, but entirely appropriate here. There are many things that I think would be less painful to witness than the brutality we just saw on ESPN.

  1. David Hasselhoff’s drunken cheeseburger video.
  2. Security cam footage from a factory farm.
  3. “12 Years A Slave”
  4. A girl denying a guy’s proposal on the Jumbotron.
  5. Joe Theismann’s leg being destroyed.
  6. Spotting your mom swiping through the photos on your phone from across the room.
  7. A fat guy loading up his plate in front of you in the Golden Corral buffet.
  8. Hulk Hogan’s sex tape.
  9. The Red Wedding.
  10. “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”
  11. A reporter accidentally swearing on live TV.
  12. “What’s in the boooooox?!”
  13. Your 15-year-old self telling your best friend you have feelings for her.
  14. William Wallace’s actual execution.
  15. A drunk girl trying to stand up in the corner of the bar.
  16. Most interpretive dance.
  17. A fat kid dropping his ice cream cone on the ground.
  18. Your parents having sex.
  19. Hayden Christensen’s acting in the Star Wars prequels.
  20. The Mountain popping Oberyn’s head like a tick.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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