1. Only fat people can be goalies.
2. Dogs are incredible athletic specimens.
3. You can hit a home run, no matter how bad you suck at baseball.
4. Japanese baseball players will question your manhood.
5. Iceland is really good at hockey, despite never fielding an Olympic hockey team.
6. Kickers are emotionally unstable people.
7. Don’t bench your best player just because he’s dating your mom.
8. Don’t call him Rocket anymore.
9. Your abusive peewee hockey coach will cause you more torment than losing your father at a young age.
10. Heisman candidates have terrible drinking habits.
11. Listen to the wise janitor.
12. An inner city, pick up roller hockey game is the ultimate team building exercise.
13. Make the nerdiest kid in your neighborhood the offensive coordinator.
14. Playing high school football at West Canaan is not the opportunity of a lifetime.
15. Just call him AL.
16. Water is for cowards. Water makes you weak. Water makes you tired.
17. Major League Baseball players are incapable of not taking double dares.
18. If you’re going to throw a perfect game, do it in the last game of your career.
19. Good things start happening when you get to the montage.
20. There’s no crying in baseball.
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