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20 Surefire Ways To Get Fired From A Job You Hate

arigold-1

You’ve put in your two weeks and got a decent enough recommendation already, so now what? Convince your boss to not invite you back, that’s what.

  1. Watch porn at your desk. Turn the volume all the way up, and don’t wear headphones.
  2. Bring in a 40 of Steel Reserve and dress like a homeless person. Drink it while burping loudly and spouting conspiracy theories about lizard people and moon landings.
  3. Do lines of cocaine off your mousepad.
  4. Convince a coworker to hook up with you and then film it. Get them in on the plan to quit/get fired, then send it to everyone in your office. You might also accidentally become internet famous.
  5. Smoke cigars constantly at your desk. When not smoking cigars, dip.
  6. Walk around the office dressed as Kanye West, saying only things Kanye might say. I’d start with “The CEO don’t care about mid-level management!” or something along those lines.
  7. Teach your entire office how to Dougie. Act confused when your boss asks you why you aren’t working.
  8. Build paper airplanes for everyone and re-enact the Battle of Britain at your cubicle. If the Germans win, down a pint of Jaegermeister and sing a drinking song. If the British win, do a power hour with scotch.
  9. Perform selected scenes from classic Shakespearean plays in the break room, playing all the parts yourself. Bring props.
  10. Email your boss while drunk at 5:30am, telling him/her that you are entirely too sick to come into work. Don’t bother to remove any typos you might notice. Refer to him/her as “limp dick” throughout the email.
  11. Hold conversations with recently made up imaginary friends. Insist that they are real, and unhappy with a number of workplace policies.
  12. Show up to work and behave exactly like Peter from Office Space. Since this is the real world, they will most likely not promote you.
  13. Channel the Red Hot Chili Peppers and show up to work wearing only strategically-placed socks.
  14. Set everyone’s desktop backgrounds to something obscene and/or offensive anytime they leave their desk and forget to lock their computer.
  15. Tell your boss that his hair implants make him look like an extra from Planet of the Apes.
  16. Hire strippers for the company potluck.
  17. Become the office linebacker. Bring the pain.
  18. Write Fifty Shades of Grey fan fiction and email it to everyone in the office.
  19. Bring in an electric guitar and amp and play Slayer covers all day.
  20. Show up early and sit at your boss’s desk. When he/she gets there and asks what you’re doing, proceed to fire them for insubordination. Either they’ll leave, and you’ll get their job, or you’ll get fired. Count on the latter happening.

Mission accomplished. You’ve now left your shitty job through an incredibly complex scheme that could have been better solved by simply not showing up for work one day. Of course, there’s no fun in that. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Well, metaphorically speaking anyway. Burning down your former place of work would definitely be frowned upon. Now onto the next job, which hopefully won’t be so terrible.

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Whiskey_Ginger

Whiskey Ginger is a drink commonly found in your average bar, and a guy who makes bad decisions in the name of internet comedy journalism. This one is the latter.

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