This past weekend, I visited one of my friends from college. In undergrad we were completely inseparable. We’ve drifted apart since graduation though. Why, you ask? The answer is simple, really. She has her shit together and I do not. My former partner in crime (let’s call her Molly), the one who used to have no problem ripping tequila shots on a Wednesday and going to a strip club on a Monday, is now married…with a child.
This past weekend, while lovely (your “thanks for having me” edible arrangement arrives Thursday, Molls!), was an eye opening experience into the world of babies. Before my arrival this past Friday, I was unbelievably jealous of Molly’s perfect life: her perfect husband, her perfect house, and her perfect baby. But after 48 hours spent surrounded by this little Hitler in J. Crew Cuts, I’m thankful that my only companion is a goldfish named Fred.
On the plane ride home, aided by a much-needed vodka on the rocks, and very much to the chagrin of the family surrounding me, I compiled the following list.
20 Reasons Why Kids Are The Worst:
1. You have to teach them shit
2. They cry. A lot.
It could be that they dropped their Cheerios, or that they are having awful flashbacks to Vietnam, the reason for their crying is likely something you will never know. Just know that they seem to derive pleasure from looking like…well, a little baby. Their blood-curdling screams are unnecessary, inexplicable, and constant.
3. They require approximately nineteen pounds of luggage for even a simple excursion to Target.
Diapers, baby wipes, Clorox wipes, a change of clothes, fifteen toys, sippy cups, snacks, the list doesn’t stop. And despite the fact that you need a goddamn camel to carry the supplies you brought to appease them, the one thing they want is the one thing you don’t have.
4. Kids can’t do a damn thing for themselves
You need me to tie your shoes, wipe your nose, and peel this banana all in the next ten seconds or you will lose your shit? Why don’t you just do it, you lazy little fuck?
5. The inside of your purse, briefcase, car, etc. will house smashed bananas, goldfish crumbs, and bodily fluids that don’t belong to you.
This kid isn’t even mine and I’m still finding his trail of tears in my belongings. FYI: peas fucking stain.
6. At one point or another, they will vomit in your hands.
7. They’re really hard to understand.
What do you want? Just tell me what you want!
8. Cussing in front of them is frowned upon.
I learned this the hard way. Apparently kids really like to repeat shit.
9. Their sports games suck.
You’re essentially watching ten drooling midgets run around aimlessly. There may not even be a ball involved. Oh, and Little League doesn’t condone alcohol consumption. Enjoy.
10. They want to read to you.
But you know what? They don’t know how to fucking read. Did Hooked On Phonics go out of business or something? Plus, it’s apparently mean to laugh when they stutter.
11. Have you ever actually enjoyed singing The Wheels On The Bus?
No seriously, have you? You have? Fuck you.
12. They wear stupid clothes.
Apparently everything kids wear these days is organic and personalized. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a kid that didn’t have some sort of monogram or initial on his stupid little John John? And while I’m at it, you can call it a “smock” all you want, but it’s still a dress, and little boys shouldn’t wear them.
13. You have to buy them shit.
You were born? Present. You learned not to shit on the floor? Present. You lost a tooth? Present. I didn’t lose my wallet while wasted last weekend. Good job, me. Where’s my fucking present?
14. You will get peed on.
It was not in a sexual way and it did not happen in Amsterdam.
15. Kids are slow as hell.
With their miniature limbs and their miniature brains, they’re like normal people in slower, smaller versions.
16. You have to give them trophies even when they lose.
People are complaining about how lazy our generation is? These little shits are going to be substantially worse. It honestly doesn’t even matter that the social security system is going to hell. These egomaniacs wouldn’t be able to provide for us anyway.
17. They don’t understand how to keep their mouths shut.
Your husband is sleeping on the couch? The babysitter heard all about it. And so did I.
18. They break shit. And flush shit. And lose shit.
Honestly, just get rid of all of your nice things. There’s no point anymore.
19. You can’t tell them when they’re being a little prick.
And you can’t hit them either. I think that’s recently become illegal.
20. They’re expensive as fuck
They say that the average kid costs about $250,000 before college. And based off of my friend’s choice of a $3,000 stroller, I’m guessing most parents are shelling out a lot more than that. Honestly, I think I’d rather have a boat.