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20 Questions a Foreigner Will Ask On The Fourth of July

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There are very few things that I personally enjoy more than getting to introduce someone from another country to American traditions. It’s always the same process. At first they’re confused, and think what we’re doing is ridiculous, or just downright dumb. Then they start to get involved a little bit, and by the end of the night, they’re belting Don McLean with you. But of course, someone unfamiliar with Independence Day traditions will naturally have some questions.

  1. Wait, is EVERYONE in a hot dog eating contest?
  2. Did your founding fathers wear tank tops or something?
  3. Why is that guy dressed up like a superhero?
  4. Have you ever actually read the lyrics to “Born In The USA?”
  5. Seriously, what do they put in hot dogs?
  6. Does everyone in America own a boat?
  7. They just let you build fires anywhere you want?
  8. Oh they don’t? Are we gonna get arrested?
  9. So you celebrate the day you said you were a country, and not the day you won the war and actually became a country?
  10. Is this just another holiday girls use as an excuse to wear less?
  11. There’s cake AND pie?!
  12. Didn’t the French help you guys win the Revolution?
  13. Oh shit, why do you guys hate the French so much?
  14. Fuck it, can I have a hot dog?
  15. Isn’t owning a bald eagle illegal?
  16. Are you actually trying to bring jean shorts back or is that just another 4th of July thing?
  17. Does everyone in your country own a gun?
  18. Holy shit, are those fireworks or bombs?
  19. So we just keep drinking until we can’t?
  20. Can I come back next year?

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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