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20 Perks Of Having An Imaginary Boyfriend

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This post brought to you by borderline insanity and obvious hilarity.

  1. He’s always there for you. Like, always right there. Almost like he’s in your brain.
  2. He knows you like no one else does. He can read your mind, pretty much.
  3. He knows when to leave you alone and let you focus. He’s so quiet, so absent–it’s almost like he doesn’t exist.
  4. By some miracle, he loves all the same music, movies, food, and so on that you love. You discover odd combinations of things you both love à la Lindsay Lohan and her twin in “The Parent Trap” with the whole Oreos and peanut butter thing.
  5. Even if you spend 10 minutes in the bathroom popping and picking at imaginary blemishes on your face and come out looking like a walking minefield, he still thinks you’re beautiful.
  6. Y’all don’t even have to talk to know you’re thinking of the other. Texting all day is for insecure relationships–you two are so close that you NEVER text.
  7. You also never have to talk on the phone.
  8. He’s incredible at foreplay. Like, so good that it’s almost like he’s reading your thoughts and guiding his hands around to the command of your inner monologue.
  9. Even when you fight, he comes crawling back like nothing ever happened and it was all in your head.
  10. He’s incredibly elusive. No one really knows who he is, what he looks like. None of that. He’s like a riddle wrapped in an enigma.
  11. He thinks it’s hilariously adorable when you make up professional dance routines in your house to terrible pop music. In fact, he loves and encourages it.
  12. Your needs come first, always. In fact, he’s so in tune with your needs, it’s like he has none of his own.
  13. He’s always just around the corner at the bar or in the bathroom when you’re approached by strange men or women.
  14. Sometimes you don’t see him for so long, it feels like you two are enduring long distance, but that’s what keeps it fresh and exciting.
  15. He magically disappears when you have to go #2 in your empty apartment. You needn’t concern yourself with turning on the bathroom fan and every faucet ever, even the neighbor’s across the street.
  16. Any problem your friend is having with her significant other, you know yours would never pull such a stunt.
  17. He thinks vegetarians are weird and untrustworthy.
  18. Your friends, although they’ve never met him, LOVE the sound of him.
  19. Your parents respect that he isn’t trying to push the whole meet and greet just yet. It speaks volumes of maturity to them. Clearly, he takes you seriously, which makes Mom and Dad happy.
  20. He’s perfectly picture perfect, because he’s not real. Duh.

BRB. My BF isn’t calling.

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Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com

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