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20 Facts About The NBA For People Who Don’t Watch The NBA

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The NBA playoffs start soon, and I know a lot of you non-sports fans out there are will inevitably have to watch a few games with your friends. I’m not going to say this column is directly targeted toward girlfriends of basketball fans, but I’m not going to say it isn’t. Here are a few basic facts that anyone who is going to watch the playoffs this year should know.

  1. “Jurassic Park” was actually documentary about the creation of Chris Bosh.
  2. The best defender in the league on Russell Westbrook is Russell Westbrook.
  3. Gregg Popovich has that look on his face because he is an immortal who prays daily for the solace of death.
  4. Yes, that guy in the suit that looks like someone dropped a Crayola box onto a hot stove and then poured the crayons on his jacket is considered a respected, tenured journalist.
  5. Shawn Marion’s jump shot proves that we don’t truly understand quantum physics every time it goes in.
  6. You don’t need a real reason to hate the Heat, just like most Heat fans don’t have a real reason why they support the Heat.
  7. The only thing less sustainable than Greg Oden’s health is Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety.
  8. Steph Curry may go down as the greatest shooter in the history of the NBA, but he’ll never be able to grow a beard.
  9. There are likely dozens of players currently using PEDs. The NBA has no immediate plans to fix this.
  10. The Spurs are the most likeable team in the NBA, and everyone hates them for it.
  11. Blake Griffin has never completed a dunk without committing an offensive foul (which never gets called).
  12. The Bulls’ management wants them to lose all of their games, and with the roster they have, they SHOULD lose all of their games–yet they continue to inexplicably win.
  13. Yes, Kendrick Perkins has that facial hair on purpose.
  14. There are Cavaliers fans who truly believe that LeBron, after winning (possibly) three titles with Miami, would still come back to Cleveland. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.
  15. A motion-sensor sliding door could play better defense than James Harden.
  16. NBA teams without superstar players are incentivized by the rules to intentionally lose games. The NBA has no immediate plans to fix this.
  17. The Lakers are the second most valuable franchise in the league, but in the last 18 months, they have completely screwed up a superstar roster, handicapped themselves by overpaying Kobe Bryant, and played so horribly this season that they make the Knicks look like the ‘93 Bulls. As a result, they will likely be rewarded with the number one overall pick in the most talented draft class in 20 years.
  18. Paul George went into a slump right around the same time he found out he had knocked up a stripper and offered her $1 million dollars to have an abortion. Sports detectives do not consider these events to be related.
  19. The only thing Kevin Durant is better at than making game-winning shots is passing away game-winning shots to someone else.
  20. There will be a team that misses the playoffs in the Western Conference, although they would have been the third seed had they played in the Eastern Conference. The NBA has no immediate plans to fix this.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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