20 Facebook Resolutions You Should Keep In 2015

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  1. Resolve to quit posting photos of your food. Your grandmother cooked every meal from scratch without so much as a thank you, and you want us to “like” it when you scorch dog food in the microwave? Please.
  2. Resolve to keep movie and TV show spoilers to yourself. Don’t make me block your ass.
  3. When posting a status about a new outfit, resolve to take a photo of your new outfit — not just your tits and neck.
  4. Resolve to stop selling shit to your friends on Facebook. All of us hate you.
  5. Resolve to post one selfie or less per month — although, you do capture boredom and loneliness quite nicely.
  6. Resolve to never say “I’m so fat” on Facebook. The only attention you’ll get is from the chick selling body wraps.
  7. Resolve to keep your negative STD test results to yourself. Holy shit.
  8. Resolve to only post photos that are sharp and clear. You say that it’s a blurry photo of your mom opening her Christmas gifts, but all I see is a glowing penis wearing a dog collar.
  9. Resolve to never post a photo of your fingernails. Yack.
  10. Resolve to never complain about daily tasks. Brushing your hair, taking out the trash, and waiting in traffic are normal tasks for all of us. No one pities you.
  11. Resolve to tell your family about your engagement before you post a photo of your cheap ring on Facebook. Your dad shouldn’t find out that you’re getting married after your ex-boyfriend does.
  12. Resolve to control your anger. Your fights with family and friends are highly entertaining, but you should keep your death threats to yourself — especially when your kids are on Facebook.
  13. Resolve to never, ever complain about the weather. It’s the weather!
  14. This fall, resolve to avoid all talk of pumpkin spice: the candles, the coffee, the tea, AND the Oreos.
  15. Resolve to never tell your friends that you have a cold or the flu. Poor you.
  16. Resolve to keep your six-pack to yourself. The last 1,936,612 photos of your abs are enough to keep us busy for a while.
  17. Resolve to complain less about your “annoying” kids. You made ’em. You raised ’em. Deal with it.
  18. Resolve to post photos from your honeymoon after your honeymoon. You should be too busy in the bedroom to insta-post about sea turtles and shorelines.
  19. Resolve to never, ever, EVER post a public “I love you” note on your significant other’s wall. You know we all see it and you hope we all think you are the perfect girlfriend, but you aren’t fooling anyone. If you love your “honey” so much, then get your ass in the living room and tell him to his face. Seriously, go. Now. And don’t tell me about it later.
  20. Lastly, resolve to take a few vacation days from Facebook in 2015. It might just give you some free time to do something actually worth posting about.

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