From SportsCenter playing in the distance to your roommate banging on the door yelling, “GOD DAMMIT, NOT AGAIN,” there’s always some sort of noise going on in the background of your scandalous romp. Experts spend time crafting playlists with specific BPMs, starting off slowly, reaching ridiculous jackhammering speeds towards the end, and topping off with a gentle, soft rhythm rounding out a perfect night of doing the nasty. Some people make the grave mistake of throwing their iTunes on “random” and getting down to business. If any of these songs grace your speakers mid-fornication, your suitor is guaranteed to run for his or her life.
“I’m Coming Out” – Diana Ross
Singing this while slinging it out doesn’t tell your lady that you’re ready to go, it tells her you definitely, DEFINITELY swing the other way.
“Ring Of Fire” – Johnny Cash
“And it burns burns burns, the ring of fire.”
The “Star Wars” Theme Song
Yikes. Just, yikes. Count Don’t-Ku. R2D-Don’t. Obi-Wan Ke-NO-bi. I don’t care how much of a intergalactic boner this movie gives you, it is a complete turn off for women everywhere and will result in you growing old and overweight alone in an “I’m Riding Han Solo” T-shirt.
“I Am The Walrus” – The Beatles
Screaming “I am the Eggman!” as you spread your seed is not sexy. Chances are the lady you are slamming is definitely a walrus, too. Coo-coo-ca-chu, bud.
“Bruises” – Train
“These bruises make for better conversations” about why your partner needs to GTFO of bed before things go south.
“You’re Having My Baby” – Paul Anka
Double whammy if the “Glee” version comes on.
“Bump N Grind” – R. Kelly
As if any R. Kelly song on any sort of playlist is not enough of a sin, avoid this song at all costs. But the creepily orgasmic screaming of “MY BOOOOODY” at the beginning of the song only promises that your body will no longer be touched.
“I Get Around” – The Beach Boys
Oh, it’s a song about the traveling the world, right? Wrong. The Beach Boys were clearly sluts singing about their raunchy escapades with multiple women because they’ve “never missed yet with the girls we meet.”
“Who’s Your Daddy?” – Toby Keith
Aaaaaand I just threw up a little.
“I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” – The Rolling Stones
Unless, of course, you’re asking for a challenge.
“The Hokey Pokey”
“You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your right hand in and you shake it all about!”
“You put your head in…”
Cue therapy for every child who grew up listening to this.
“Price Tag” – Jessie J
“Seems like everybody’s got a price…” is not the way to convince a girl to try anal.
“…Baby One More Time” – Britney Spears
Unless you’re into that kinda thing. In that case, see “Bruises” by Train.
“Dude (Looks Like A Lady)” – Aerosmith
If you’re playing this while hooking up, chances are you drank one too many whiskey sours and will realize the smoking hot lady you took home is, in fact, a dude.
“The Rugrats” Theme Song
Yes, it starts out with a necessary drumroll any man wishes was present moments before he lets it all go. But if that’s how you’re counting down to the big finale, reevaluate your life, you pedophile.
“Every Breath You Take” – The Police
Some say it’s about a parent who cares for his or her child, and some completely misinterpret it as a beautiful love song. If this song is on your bedroom playlist, you’re a stalker.
“Here Comes The Bride”
It may sound like a logical choice ring-chasing women, but you are bat shit crazy and do not deserve to have a functional reproduction system.
“Date Rape” – Sublime
Dear one-night stand men everywhere: This song won’t cause your lady of the night to chuckle at your irony. It will instill fear and maybe elicit a 911 call.
“Down With The Sickness” – Disturbed
At least it’s not “Going Down on the Sickness,” right?