Like any normal person, the first thing I do when I get home from work each day is take off my pants. The door is barely closed behind me when I start to shimmy those suckers off for a sweet taste of leg freedom. Of course, I am a girl, so you could reason that I could get around the fabric prison that is pants by wearing skirts or dresses. While that’s true now that it’s finally spring, I live in Boston, where going out in non-covered legs equals frostbite for about six months out of the year. So unfortunately, as much as I hate them, pants are a part of my world. That kinda sucks because there are a lot of reasons why no pants are the best pants, such as:
1. The average woman spends an hour and 20 minutes on the toilet a week, while the average man spends an hour 45 minutes. Not wearing pants gets back at least one minute each time you have to go. Isn’t your time more valuable than pants?
2. If you don’t buy pants, you’ll have more money to spend on the finer things in life.
3. Like pizza.
4. No pants equals freedom, which equals America. So not wearing pants is patriotic.
5. It’s healthy – no pants means your nether parts can breathe, and that reduces the risk of infection. Thanks, science.
6. You can eat as much as you want with no pants on and never worry about your waistband cutting off your circulation.
7. No pants means you don’t have to go to the gym, because they sort of require pants there.
8. Or work.
9. Or anywhere really. Basically, you can never leave the house. Score.
10. You can’t have a pants-off dance-off if you are wearing pants.
11. “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Doesn’t say anything about no pants.
12. There’s less laundry to do if there are no pants to wash, which leaves more time for Netflix.
13. Those pants can’t make you look fat if you don’t wear them.
14. Wearing pants means responsibilities. No pants = no responsibilities.
15. More science: the American Chiropractic Association warns that tight pants lead to poor posture and misalignment of the spine.
16. They also say that pants can limit the mobility of your hips, which could cause back issues. So basically, doctors are saying not to wear pants.
17. There’s less barriers between you and sex if there are no pants. I mean, there may be other obstacles to you getting laid, but let’s not make pants one of them.
18. There’s a saying, “No pants, no problem.” Do you really need any more problems? I sure as hell don’t.
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