If you are anything like me, the “Realistic New Year’s Resolutions” aren’t actually that realistic. It’s cute “eat healthier” and “quit the job you hate” make every list, but we all know that’s not real life. I mean, who is going to pay the bills? When they say eat healthier, do they mean Monday-Thursday, so we can turn up on Friday and Saturday and eat like shit because we are hungover AF? I don’t know about you, but my hangover brunch on Sunday doesn’t consist of a kale salad with free-range chicken and gluten-free dressing.
Seeing the dilemma here, I took it upon myself to create a MUCH more realistic list of New Year’s Resolutions:
1. Only eat pizza on the weekends.
The Monday- Thursday rule coming in hot here.
2. Get the medium pizza not the large.
3. Stop mixing alcohols.
Less of a hangover = healthier eating habits, amiright?
4. Stop drinking beer.
5. Start drinking more tea.
The internet said coffee is bad for you, and the internet is always right.
6. Stop drunk texting/emailing/calling/messaging ex’s.
No explanation needed.
7. Stop blacking out.
You’re not in college anymore. Grad school isn’t college, college.
8. Don’t throw up in the trash can in your room.
Yes, we’re all ashamed this has to be on the list.
9. Stop eating the hot dogs at 2 a.m. you won’t remember even ordering.
10. Stop being a mean drunk.
Because keeping friends is better than making new ones. #nonewfriends
11. NO MORE SHOTS. Period.
You can’t rally like you used to and that leads to blacking out.
12. Stop losing your shit.
Exactly how many credit/debit cards you can lose in a year without getting charged? Unless you get your shit together, you’re going to find out.
13. Consider eating vegetables at every meal.
Not technically eating “healthier,” but you should consider getting the veggies with your next burrito.
14. Go to the gym consistently (like once a week).
You pay for it, so you can at least go.
15. Stop smoking weed.
I live in a state where marijuana is legal. You don’t? I am sorry. Let’s face it, quitting makes #14 easier and, overall, makes us all look more “responsible.”
16. Wake up earlier so you look more presentable at work.
Admit it, you don’t know somedays how you still have a job.
17. Stop acting like you are still in college.
Just because you graduated on time (no idea why … or how) and 90% of your friends are still in college, doesn’t mean it’s 100% okay to get wasted on the weekdays like they do. It’s not.
18. Start a savings account.
Even if it is only to drunkenly blow it at 3 a.m. Sunday morning. We all mess up, ya know?
So in the final days of 2015, live it up. Go home tonight take some shots, call your ex, yell at your roommate, and throw up in your trash can, because when the New Year rolls around you need to get it together.
*Side note: You have until January 4th, because everyone knows you can’t start things until Mondays.*.