The first years of my life after college were brutal. Without getting into the awful details, I worked a minimum of 12 hours a day, six days a week. I dreamed of a life where I could wake up and work from home. I think everyone has this dream. Then it happened. I started working from home and it was glorious. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and now I have a beard and I’m fat. Working from home sounds great, but it’s not as cool as you’d think it is. Here are 17 things about working from home that sound amazing, but aren’t.
1. Pajama pants. They’re both a blessing and a curse. Here’s the problem: you can sleep in the same pants that you work in, which leads to days without ever checking the mirror to see what you look like. When you work from home, you will NEVER look good.
2. Lunch beers. Nobody is around to smell your breath after lunch, so what’s stopping you from throwing down a couple Shiners with your Easy Mac lunch? Lunch beers at home are a VERY slippery slope.
3. Netflix. Netflix is more addictive than heroin. I had to have a close friend cancel my subscription for me.
4. Complete isolation. If you have a dog, he or she will literally become your best friend.
5. Not paying for gas. Last week, I had to jump my car after it had been sitting for an extended period of time, and while driving to Best Buy to pick up a longer HDMI cable, I saw that gas prices were astoundingly lower than they used to be. Apparently this is NOT something that just happened overnight.
6. Complete freedom. The only “freedom” you’ll feel if you work from home is the freedom to let yourself go. Your house becomes your office and you become more of a prisoner than anything else. You’ll find yourself doing this… A lot.
7. Unmonitored internet use. You’ll become so well-versed in random internet knowledge that you’ll barely speak English anymore. Your jokes will fall upon deaf ears because you’ll start to speak internet. The picture of the cat above is a perfect example. You’ll laugh out loud to yourself daily.
8. Your own private bathroom. Okay, this is actually awesome. There’s nothing in the world better than having your own private bathroom at work.
9. Not having a boss breathing down your neck. You do have a boss, and yes, he or she will constantly breathe down your neck by phone, text, email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and God forbid, Snapchat.
10. No more annoying coworkers. You’ll surprisingly miss the people you used to despise. When you work from home, you’ll eventually wish the IT guy, Bill “Grateful Dead” Rogers, was there to fix your scanner, even if he does fill the room with the scent of patchouli.
11. No more cubicle. Your house or apartment is just a bigger cubicle, really. Now you just have more room to not finish your TPS reports.
12. You can maintain your workspace. You can be as filthy as you want and nobody will say a thing. It sounds awesome, doesn’t it? Turns out, you’ll wish you had someone to keep you from turning your “home office” into an episode of “Hoarders.” This will happen.
13. Work only when you want. Good luck with this one. You’ll find that you actually work more from home because of the guilt you get from wallowing in your own filthy existence. At least in an office, you can pretend to look busy. Work from home, and everyone assumes you’re asleep all day.
14. It’s easier to eat healthy. This is so much harder to do when you work from home, believe it or not. When people don’t see you, it’s hard to care what others think. The other day, I ordered pizza for lunch and when I answered the door wearing Miller Lite comfy pants and a wife-beater, the delivery guy actually laughed at me. He was well within his rights.
15. Sleeping in. You’ll try to find ways to make this happen, but it’s damn near impossible. I know a guy who actually used to tie a string from his wrist to his computer in the other room so that after his alarm would go off every 14 minutes, he could tug on his mouse to stay logged in. That’s dedication.
16. Webcam meetings. “Why in God’s name do people need to see me?” is what you’ll think as you spend an entire three hours bringing your appearance back from derelict to a level that’s only borderline acceptable.
17. You can do things your way. Your way sucks. Remember when you put on your résumé that you were fluent in Microsoft Excel? That worked out really well when you had Ted from accounting build you a spreadsheet in exchange for Fantasy Football tips. Now you’re screwed.
You may think working from home is the American dream, but it’s not. Nobody wanted to work from home more than I did, so trust me when I say be grateful for all the shitty things you have to deal with every single day in your office. The grass is always greener, you guys..