You probably do some of these things in real life, but people are seriously judging you, too.
1. Desperately reaching for the shower mat, still wet from the shower you took before heading out, and pulling it to your side to use as a pillow during puke breaks. You don’t even care. You just want to die at this point.
2. Committing the douchebaggiest move of all time: wearing your sunglasses indoors. You hate yourself more than all those who judge you combined, but your head may actually explode if your eyes make direct contact with any light, whether it’s real or artificial.
3. Eating that leftover pizza you forgot in your car overnight on your drive back home from the nice man’s/lady’s place you crashed at last night.
4. Joining the church crowd at the local grocery store because bacon when it would ordinarily take a literal act of God to get you in a grocery store on a Sunday morning.
5. Eating Waffle House in the daylight hours, also because bacon. Better yet, just scoop some lard onto your plate and play Russian Roulette with your gastrointestinal system in the corner.
6. Wearing all–or at least part–of what you wore out last night to meet your parents for brunch. You may or may not (you definitely did) have slept in the same clothes. They’re very proud of you.
7. Welcoming the parents of the undergrads at your alma mater to homecoming weekend with a pregame vom on the quad, marking the official end of last night and the official beginning of tailgating.
8. Making personal apologies to the lives you inflicted your drunk self upon because they’re more heartfelt when you’re in agony. They won’t believe you any other time, so you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot.
9. Testing your true friendships to see who loves you enough to bring you a new bottle of extra strength Excedrin and enough Starbucks double shots to power a Volkswagen.
10. Checking the balance of your bank account while you’re still slightly drunk and already feeling like you’ve physically–and now fiscally–hit rock bottom.
11. Lying in the boozy, body odor stench coming from your body the entire day because you can’t pry yourself from the grips of your deathbed long enough to take a shower.
12. Refusing to check Instagram pictures, tweets, and Facebook statuses until you and your bowels are mentally and emotionally capable of reliving last night.
13. Being caught buying Pedialyte for yourself by anyone. Even the guy at the checkout counter. I assume shame is why the self-checkout scanner was invented.
14. Needing–and subsequently taking–a nap before noon because it’s like the sweet release of death without the commitment.
15. Cancelling and denying plans with people in the outside world because you’re lying in bed all day naked, eating Cheetos, watching whatever happens to come on HBO.
16. Pulling a dining hat trick at the same bar you got drunk at after you ate dinner there last night by eating breakfast and lunch there, too. Plus, your car is there anyway, and you racked up a ton of points on your rewards card last night.