As I’ve moved up the career ladder, one of the things I now get to do is interview people applying for jobs on my team at the investment firm I work at. And quite frankly, I hate it. The whole process is pretty much bullshit – politically correct questions and typical answers that don’t actually tell you anything about the person. While I always stick to the questions that our HR department provides, I’ve definitely come up with a list of questions that I’d ask if I was allow to stray from the standard program.
Which one of the characters on Friends was your favorite?
Joey – you’re a whore; Chandler – you’re a wise-ass; Ross – you’re a know-it-all; Phoebe – you’re flighty; Monica – you’re OCD and Rachel – you’re a daddy’s girl. So there’s really no right answer here. If you’re a hot dude, I’m cool with you being a Joey, though.
What’s your favorite pizza topping?
Pepperoni, you say? Welcome to the firm, kid.
Which was the best movie of the Star Wars franchise?
If you don’t name one of the originals, you’re not getting this job.
What’s your favorite porn site?
If you say you don’t have one, you’re a liar. And if you say one that’s a pay site, you’re a moron.
Do you return the shopping cart at the grocery store or just leave it in an empty parking space?
One makes you a good person. The other makes you a douchebag, and I don’t need any(more) douchebags working here.
How do you feel about running my personal errands?
Because until you can prove to me that you won’t completely fuck up actual business tasks, your sole purpose in life is going to be getting me coffee and picking up my dry cleaning.
What’s your go-to karaoke song?
Unless you say an early 90’s hip-hop song, or any one of Britney Spears’ greatest hits, I’m just not sure you’ll fit in here.
Do you believe in celebrating office holidays?
Specifically, Boss’s Day – it’s October 16th. I like chocolate, yellow roses, and a fine Moscato.
How many nights a week do you drink?
Three is the sweet spot here. Less than that, you’re probably a nerdy loser; more than that, odds are pretty high you’ll be calling in sick ‘cause you’re hungover, which isn’t cool because I need someone be here to answer my phone when I’m hungover.
What’s your favorite store?
Acceptable answers: Target, Nordstrom, Brooks Brothers, JCrew.
Non-acceptable answers: Walmart.
How good are you at lying?
You’re going to have to lie quite a bit in this job – to clients, to co-workers, to the people that call me that I don’t want to talk to. But I don’t want you to say you’re good at it – so the correct answer here is “Not good at all,” and sound sincere so I almost buy it.
What was the most interesting thing you found out about me when you Googled me before this interview?
Because if you didn’t Google me before you showed up here, you clearly aren’t that interested in this job, and therefore, I’m not interested in you. Plus, my Instagram is public for a reason – it’s hysterical.
Are you a dog person or a cat person?
There’s only one correct answer here, and it’s the one that barks. Cat people cannot be trusted.
What’s your drink of choice?
What kind of a smartphone do you have?
Listen, I get seriously fucking annoyed when I text with a guy for the first time and his texts are green. It’s 2015, you animal. I’m not putting up with that shit from an employee.
Katy Perry or Taylor Swift?
Taylor or GTFO out of my office. .
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